So

I haven't written in a bit.
I guess it's safe to say that my life is going to change big time in the next few days.
and I'm pretty nervous.
gotta go pack.

Why Bother?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Wow.

So the dance was interesting.
To say the verrrry least.
Levi is incredible. He is one of the greatest guys I've ever met. I love to talk to him...He's terribly funny and just seems to understand me. I love that he isn't mushy or gross like that and that he's real. After having people fawn all over me in the last little bit here, It's a relief. I would write more regarding Levi, but since he is sitting right behind me, I probably should just leave it at that. =]
the dance itself was great. I had a blast just being in Levi's arms and showing him off to my Tucson people. He looked so handsome in his suit and I'm not gonna lie, I looked pretty hot myself. I loved the way I felt in the dress, although it was a tad too tight because I can sure afford to lose ten or fifty pounds =D
There was an awful lot of drama and strive leading up to the whole dance but overall, I had so much fun! I had a bit of a tiff with one of my friends that left me in tears, another occurance that left me thirsty for the blood of another, and heartbreak over something that happened to the third at the hands of the second. It's complicated, I know, but it was interesting.

On a completely different note.
I have to earn four THOUSAND dollars by January if I'm going to go to the Ukraine like planned. I'm so nervous about leaving now!!
It's ironic the turns and twists that my life has taken. If things had all gone according to plans, I would have been married by now. I wouldn't be in Arizona, much less Thatcher. I would have done so many things differently, and I'm not too sure if I would be as happy as I am now.
I have learned so many lessons in my life. Some were easy to learn and didn't hurt very much. Others were like trying to remove teeth with a Philips screwdriver. In the last three days or so, I've seriously evaluated my life. Where I'm at as opposed to where I was a year ago this time. Last year, this time, I was trying to mend my broken life after one of the most crushingly painful disappointments I've ever experienced. I was slacking in High school and disregarding the advice and warning counsel of my YW leaders. A year ago, I was preparing myself for some of the biggest changes in my life thus far. I was deciding what I would do, and I was convinced I knew exactly what I wanted. Seven months ago, I nearly lost every dream that I had decided that I was set on. I didn't get to walk in graduation, which was a humiliating failure. My mother, the sweet, gentle woman she is, told me that she was ashamed to call me her daughter. She told me that she had wasted the last eighteen years of her life on a complete loser. "You may as well just run off and get married to the first bum that you find, since that's all you'll amount to," were her comforting words of advice. *sarcasm* So I worked three times harder than I have ever worked in my life to get my diploma. I took summer school and got the highest grade in the class. Take THAT, Stensrud!!!
Six months ago, I was engaged. I was ready to drop every dream that I had formed of going to Russia or to College at EA for the boy that I was certain was the right man for me. I was so prepared to do whatever it took just to get married. But I got scared. A nightmare and a shocking remembrance of the pains that I had suffered at the hands of another sent me running full speed for the hills. August came and I ran away from my problems, and into the comforting town of Thatcher. There I met some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I've learned so much about myself and about who I am as a person. I've got a lot of growing to do, but I've also grown more than I ever imagined possible. In my wildest dreams I never would have thought that I would be at the place that I find myself today, surrounded by the people that I have come to love dearly.
I know so much more about my faith. I have a very firm testimony in the Lord, and His plans for me. I know that the things that I have been taught since birth will be the things that if adhered to will bring me true joy and happiness. I know that sinning is the surest way to bring heartache and pain. But I also know that Repentance is real and the power thereof is so strong. I have been relieved of pain that I never imagined that I could endure. I have come to realize how weak, how fallable and small we as humans are. It astonishes me that I managed to live for two full years without the Spirit. I turned my back on all that I had been taught, believing it to be a hindrance, a roadblock to happiness and fun. It wasn't until I reached the darkest point in my life that I finally turned to the Lord in desperation, pleading for salve to ease the ache that filled my soul. And He gave me that relief. He allowed me to suffer so that I would know how sweet the soothing balm of His Spirit truly was. I know that the Holy Ghost has so many facets. I've had the gift of the Holy Ghost since I was eight, but I guess I never really looked at the Holy Ghost's GIFTS. When I felt most alone, on nights when I couldn't sleep and the pain seemed unbearable, I was given a companion. On days when I felt the most excruciating suffocation of the world's pressures closing in around me, I felt my burden lightened. When I was unsure of myself, I was given a Witness of the divinity from whence I came. When I felt lost and afraid, I was comforted by the assurance that I was loved and that things would ALWAYS work out. I have grown intellectually throught the Patient tutoring of the Holy Ghost.
So, I guess my ramblings aren't totally nonsensical, nor do they make total coherent sense either.
Just like me.
But I know more about who I am and what makes me that way.
Annnnd I'm tired

AHHHH I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Tonight is the DANCE!!!!
ANDDDD.
Last night I had several answers to prayers.
I know what I am doing next semester for sure...
I will be moving to the Ukraine to teach English!
I leave the US on January 14th and won't return until June 4th.
I'm terrified and excited and nervous all at once!!!

ON the bright side, however...

There is A DANCE on FRIDAY
and LEVI and I are going!!!
And I AM EXCITED!!!!!!


=]

Two Flipping weeks

And I will no longer be an EAC student.
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
I will miss this place so much more than I ever thought possible.
All the friends I have gained and the wonderful experiences I have had.
There were a few times when I wanted to just quit and come home for good.
But I never did and I'm proud of the fact that I held out.
But it's still sad that it's almost over.
Why does life have to go so fast now that I'm ready to enjoy it?

What I want in a Husband!!!

1. Intelligent
2. Supporting
3. Caring
4. Kind
5. Asks Daddy if he can marry me first
6. Sporadic
7. Romantic
8. Loving
9. Helpful
10. Happy
11. Faithful
12. Loves me
13. Prays
14. RM
15. Does the dishes
16. Patient
17. Willing to serve
18. Opens up to me
19. Compromises
20. Cooks
21. Strives for perfection
22. Musically talented
23. Attends meetings
24. In college
25. Says “I Love You”
26. Decent job
27. Calls just to talk
28. Handsome
29. Bears his testimony
30. Not TOO shy
31. Sympathetic to others
32. Wants to talk
33. Listens to me
34. Talks to our children
35. WANTS children
36. Holds my hand
37. Good with kids
38. Loves his sisters
39. Treats his mother well
40. Likes animals
41. Wants to go to church
42. Reads scriptures
43. Loves FHE
44. Hates bloodshed
45. Worthy to attend the Temple
46. Slightly clean and organized
47. Like Moroni
48. Respects me
49. Writes little notes
50. Says Thank you
51. Asks for my input
52. Loves to go out
53. Loves the outdoors
54. Willing to stay in and just talk
55. Not too clingy
56. Has other friends
57. Worthy Priesthood USER
58. Affectionate
59. Loves hiking
60. Loves camping
61. Doesn’t back down or let me dominate
62. Holds my waist
63. Hugs me from behind
64. Uses pet names
65. Gives good advice
66. Cries occasionally
67. Not afraid to cry with the Spirit
68. Good with my friends
69. Supportive of my dreams
70. Positive
71. Upbeat
72. Prepared
73. Regularly Attends the Temple
74. Loves to talk about his mission
75. Wakes me up with a kiss
76. Says Hello and Goodbye
77. Hugs me as soon as he gets home
78. Want s to come home
79. Good kisser
80. Gets along with my family

Time: Seven Eleven AM

Wow...
So on Wednesday I was pretty bummed.
Because of a bum.
And so my friends Ethan, Dayna and Joyce and I went to Mesa.
Just for Kicks and giggles.
And we wound up at the Temple.
At Two in the morning.
I am a very eloquent individual.
But words are insufficient to describe the feelings I have towards that sacred place.
Peace is an understatement.
I learned things even from just being on the outside of the gate.
Looking in the Visitor's Center at the Christus gave me such comfort.
This is why I love the Gospel!!

Shopping Carts, Broken Hearts, and Smashed Fingers.

Can I say more?
I guess not.

Things are working in my favor
I'm happy! I'm ready to be patient.
Life is going so well.
things are falling so easily into place.
I am so excited.

Is it Possible...

to be this fickle?
I am such a crazy girl. I can't even begin to fathom what life will be like when I am married and can't flirt with everything.
Hopefully things will pan themselves out.
No more talking about boys!
AH I'm such a crazy girl!

SOOOOO

I'm moving to Tucson on December 13th!!!! I'm so excited.

soooooo

I had a reallllly scary dream about Chris...
FIRST OFF, Last night we had a bit of a falling out and I went to bed still angry with him. he said he'd call me and he never did and we'd already been upset with each other, me because he didn't come to my concert (that in itself was fine. It was just hard because I was really excited about seeing him. And for the final program, nobody came to see me at all. It sounds very selfish of me, but it hurts when you're the only person in the entire choir program that didn't have anyone come to the concert to see me. for not one, but TWO concerts. Thursday, a lot of my friends came A lot of my friends came, which I am very grateful for, but the fact that my parents or family didn't come was pretty hard to swallow. Chris is pretty much still one of my closest friends and I'm VERY much still in love with him.)
I came home and my mom handed me the phone, saying that someone wanted to talk to me. i said hello and someone on the other side said that Chris had died. I asked who it was and they wouldn't tell me. just that he had died.
I called his brother (which is strange because i don't even have his number) and he said that I had made him sick because we had argued and then he told me that Chris had died from exactly the same thing that Melina had...And that it was my fault...again. that it was my fault because fighting with him had made him sick. but this time i KNEW it really was. I was so freaked out but i didn't believe him so i turned on the TV and the news was talking about him dying and showed lots of pictures of him. I kept trying over and over to call him but his phone wasn't working and i was so frightened that I guess I woke up screaming
My poor roommate. she's got such patience. I was so scared. I called my father to cry about a bad dream. I still need my daddy. I also called Chris, and we talked a little bit and he was pretty worried about me but I'm fine knowing that he's all right.
I guess that It's all good. I was just freaked out. I guess that means that i'm still in love with Chris and i guess i may still not be over Melina's death.

AH MY HEART!

So this last little bit has been interesting. I didn't know things could be so insane. I guess this just means that I have a lot more growing to do first. I'm sure that something better is out there. Maybe we're just not right for each other anymore. But saying that still doesn't make it hurt any less. I know that my faith is what's keeping me sane right now, and that the knowledge that I'm a Daughter of God is what is holding my life together. I'm sure that the Lord has something or someone much different and better in store for me. And that does help a little
But why does it have to be like this? Three times now I have been sure that I was right. I prayed and meditated on it for such a long time. So why was I wrong again?! I thought that he felt the same for me. He showed me that he loved me, told me that he loved me. What could change that?! Was it something that I did?
What worries me most is the fact that I feel okay already. Does that mean I’m still numb or am I truly okay with it? Is it possible to be okay with this? I just hope that this won’t screw over my future relationships.
I need to go to sleep.

We're baaaack!!

This has been THE best weekend of my LIFE! It was amazing!!!!!
I'm busy or I'd write a loooong story, but for now, just agree that it was incredible.

Quick update

AHH So much to do, so little time. two and a half hours till departure. WE're going to CALIFORNIA!!!!!!
I feel REALLLLLY bad about pretending to be drunk and frightening Joe and Ryan. I was kidding, and in a sense it sort of offends me that they believed me. A, I'm not stupid enough to drink in the first place, and B, even if I was, do you HONESTLY thing that I would drive???? Come on, guys. That makes me pretty sad that you'd think I'm stupid enough to do that. you know me better than that. I do appreciate that you care, but still. ME?! drink?!?!?!? Dummmmb.
New guy. Dominic. Really Like him. Kind of a lot.
and he's a great kisser. *blushes*
Sometimes I wonder who reads this. Which makes me nervous. I almost hope that nobody does because of how intimate I make all of my journals. But at the same time, it's sorta cool to know that people can read my journal and get to know me better.
anyway, peace out. gotta go pack!!!!!

wrote this last night...

I’ve been reading my mother’s journal. Wrong, I know. An invasion of privacy. But it has opened my eyes and made me realize what it is that I love so much about my mother. We’re exactly the same. We were so similar growing up (our personalities more than our circumstances) that it’s eerie. I love her so much right now and it makes me pretty sad that I won’t be living with her ever again. I wonder if that’s something I will be sad about for the rest of my life. I miss my daddy. And my mother. Sometimes I envy Skye, Sierra, and yes, sometimes even Monique. They’ve got eight, ten, even twenty more years. I don’t think I gave my parents enough credit when I was living with them. I’m a tough person to live with and they (more or less patiently) tolerated me for a bit over eighteen years.
Sometimes I wonder what they thought or talked about as they dropped me off for college. Did Mom cry? Did Daddy swallow hard, trying to hold back his emotion? Did they sigh a breath of relief, secure in the knowledge that I was out of their hair? I think they talked about me, laughing as they reminisced about how much I’ve grown and how proud of me they are. I miss them a lot sometimes, and it makes me feel a little guilty that I haven’t been calling and e-mailing them as often as I should. I wonder sometimes what our family reunions will be like ten years from now. I’ll have four kids and a great husband, Marsi will have had at least one or two and her sweet husband will be stroking her swollen, pregnant belly as they discuss baby names. Anthony will (I hope) have cleaned up and married a pretty girl, probably Kristi. Skye and Sierra will have graduated high school, Monique will have graduated and works at Safeway or Wal-Mart and is satisfied and happy with her life. Paul and Elise will be there too, and Afton will be twelve. Her little sister, Rayna and their three or four siblings will drive her insane and she’ll come lean on me, confiding that they drive her nuts. Will we see each other any more after we all move out? For some very sad reason I doubt it strongly.
I keep thinking about what it was like when we all lived together, particularly before we all got jobs. the summer we moved here….we all spent so much time together and drove each other insane, but we got stronger too. I miss my family so much right now!! I don’t even know why. They drive me crazy and we fight every time I come home. But I do miss them. So much. I remember wanting to see Melina every single time that we went up to Tucson, and after we moved there, I liked to pretend that if I were to just drive to where she used to be, that she would be there. That if I were to just stop by her old apartment and ring the doorbell that she would answer it and things would be just like they should be. I still miss her so much sometimes. It’s been so long but I can still remember exactly what she sounded like, what she felt like when you hugged her, exactly what she smelled like even…I guess I’m still not over her. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes. i need her so much right now.
I started my new job today! I LOVE IT! All I do is spend time answering phones and calling people. it's called WesternWats and it's amazing. I'm so excited about this job.
And now I'm realllly tired and going to bed. goodnight!

can't believe it's so late.

it's already october!
I started my new job. its amazing!!!!!!!!
my phone got run over by a car.
sad day.
five days to cali!!!!!!!!

AND, as usual, Mayra is the fool

AS USUAL…
I should have guessed this was going to happen.
But usually it’s someone’s fault. This time, neither of us is at fault. Levi likes me, I like him. He just doesn’t wanna get into a relationship because he is afraid we’d do more…I hate that. I know how to control myself. DANG it!! WHY do I have to keep being stupid and getting attached?! He’s beautiful and so wonderful. I love how he pops my thumbs. And how he takes my face in his hands and just looks into my eyes. He doesn’t even have to kiss me, just looking at me like that fills me up and I love it. I love how he tells me things…he tells me so much and I feel so special to be a part of his life.
But I knew this would happen eventually.
Boys like Levi are like fire. You’re so wildly attracted to them, and it instantly catches your eye. You want more than anything to touch it, feel it with your hands, caress and stroke such a beautiful thing. But it’s so exotic and foreign that you’re frightened. Meanwhile, the fire warms and flirts, beauty personified. And as soon as you reach out, allow yourself to feel, to be felt, you get burned. And sometimes you’re so wrapped up in its splendor that you don’t even notice how severe you are being wounded until it’s too late and you’re maimed for the rest of your life.
Why couldn’t we just try at least? I can control myself and I know when to say no. I care very deeply for him, but no boy, no matter how attractive or wonderful, will keep me from my promises or my dreams. He wants to go on a mission. And I respect that completely, and no matter what, I refuse, absolutely refuse to get in the way of that. I TOLD him that.
My roommate made an excellent point. She told me that maybe it’s because of how much he respects me. The other girls that he did things with, his other girlfriends, were special to him, but he respects me so much that he doesn’t want to hurt me like he did them. That makes sense. She’s really smart. I just wish I had the same insight as the people that are trying to comfort me. That I could take my own advice…I give out expert advice. Words that soothe and satisfy. Advice that allows people to feel better about randy actions and less hard on themselves for their perceived faults and failings. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot allow myself the same relief, cannot allow myself to apply the salve to my own wounds. I guess that’s me being selfish and stupid. I’m so good at giving people happiness in relationships. I can tell who fits perfectly with who, while inside I struggle with my own stupid insecurities. Maybe that is why none of my relationships work…they can sense that insecurity and eventually it ruins things. Who knows?
I need to get a cat. They won’t hurt me like this.

AHAHAHAH

wellllllll, so the whole not dating for a while? yeahhhh didn't work
I can't help it if I'm popular!!! hahahaha
Levi. Ah sweet Levi.
Affectionate, caring, rough and tough cowboy type.
Sweet tingles down my spine
and a tickle of butterflies.
I should DEFINITELY not be falling this hard or fast.
but it feels GOOD to feel good.
and it feels REALLY good to be wanted.
=]

TRIP!!!

Two weeks from yesterday!!
AH I'm excited!!
LIFE is amazing,
Sometimes it's just hard to remember.
Joe and I had a good, long discussion and fixed our fights.
We're friends again.
it will take a while but maybe things will be better than before.
Ethan really likes me, but I'm so confused and worried about that.
I don't thing I wanna date for a while.

The Lord Sure loves me!!

Last night I had the OVERWHELMING urge to get a blessing. I had wanted one for a few weeks, but it was sorta back-of-my mind type thing and I wasn't too worried about it. But last night at about six i decided i absolutely needed one. So I asked a friend of mine, but got distracted and so he went to bed. My friend Matt said he could talk to his RM roommate. This was about midnight. So he calls Simon who immediately comes out...in a necktie and white shirt. He told me that he had had a feeling to stay up because he'd be giving a blessing so he got dressed. I had been silently praying that I would get one and that I would get the guidance and instruction that I needed. We went to his friend's house and her friend Tom just happened to be there, so he helped with the blessing. In the blessing, He said a few phrases that were in my patriarchal blessing! it also talked about how much the Lord loves me, and how proud my parents and the Lord are of me. It promised me that I would have the peace I desired, and that the Lord was pleased that I had such a strong desire to get a blessing. He advised me to pray out loud day and night and that I needed to talk openly to God about everything I do and my whole days. I wept most of the time. The Lord answered my prayers so much. I'm so grateful for the gospel and for the love that Christ and my Father in Heaven have for me. they sure love me!!

Older poems

Just found these and figured I'd throw these in here for your enjoyment.

Him
Let me be
What I used to be
Your heart
Your smile
Your sunshine and your starry night
Let me be your lover
Your best girl and your sweetheart
The one you run to
When things go wrong
And the girl you think about
Before you go to sleep at night
I miss you so much sometimes
Like right now.

The Boy
Soft Summer hugs
And Warm Winter Blankets
Our silly escapades
And Circle K runs
Laughing over stupid fights
And crying during The Princess Bride
Secret kisses while my parents
Looked away or down.
Riding in your PimpMobile
And listening to that same song
Twelve times.
Getting lost downtown
Cuz you refused to ask the bums for directions.
Sneaking out every night
To sit around at the Midnight Diner
Talking to the waitress
Who invited us to her wedding.
When you moved away
And left me…
Life was a blur
Of work, classes that now seemed unimportant,
And an emotional torrent that enveloped every aspect of my life
Phone calls
Every spare minute possible
That didn’t last.
Summer began and I came to be with you.
And we know that it’s only a matter of time.
But I miss the naïveté
And the childish games
When you were
My lover, my high school sweetheart
And my best friend.

THE QUEEN
Creeping through the long whisper-grass
Hunger will take me unless I conquer it first.
There! Just a few more leaps away
The She-meal bends her long throat
To sip from the deep waters.
I slink silently closer and closer.
Her jaw tenses and her ears flick back
Catching sounds.
Head raised, she gazes across the hunting grounds
I cease my breath.
Her blank stare misses me
And she returns to filling her belly
Secure in the lie that she is safe
While my hushed paws come closer.
Light filters through the monkey-trees
Casting shadows perfect for me to hide
Screaming birds call their warnings
In an unfamiliar language to the foolish She-meal.
My muscles ripple as I noiselessly
Poise for attack.

I'm sure there is other stuff. For now, this is it though.

Well...

Hmm. Trying hard to stay Drama free. Drug free is easy, Drama free...not so much.
Maybe someday I'll get this whole social thing down.
But, then again, maybe not.
For some reason, I feel like I'm regressing here.
I read what I've written, and it feels like I'm shrinking and all I do is whine.
Maybe someday I'll be a mature adult.
It's freaking cold in here.
Gosh wow. I need to get a life.

LOVE?!

I'm so lost right now. I really don't know what my purpose is, or what I'm doing. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm sad. Joe and I ruined things with each other, we both made mistakes and I messed up pretty badly this time. It would be so simple to blame him...to point my finger and pretend that I'm an innocent victim. The sad part is that I realize now that there is very rarely (if ever) a truly innocent victim. Putting yourself into a sketchy position nullifies a portion of your innocence in a situation. Saying or doing even the most simple and seemingly uneventful thing can be the wedge driven between you and another person.
What does love really mean? Is it sex? Is it something that nobody truly comprehends, like eternity or the sun? I’m so lost. I’ve been talking to so many people and everyone talks about it in a different way. Some people say it just happens. Others say they’ve gotta work at it. Other skeptics, like me, disbelieve, claiming it’s merely lust with a little bit of pretty frills.
How can I ever truly know what love is? I’ve tried. I wanted so badly to know what love was and where and how I could find it. I’ve thought three times now that I knew what it was. That I had love; was loved. Was it real? They seemed to think so, and for a few brief, perfect moments, I wanted to believe it so badly that I deceived myself into thinking that it was the genuine article.
Is it possible that I can truly be loved? That I can have what Paul and Elise have, what my parents and the prophets have?
I realized today thanks to a very smart man, that love has its own agenda, and that it takes an unselfish woman to love a man. I used to say things like, “wow! I wish I could have a husband like THAT.” Or, “I wish I could find someone as amazing as him.” Today, when he told me of his life, his hardships and how he’d tested his now-wife’s devotion before their engagement, I realized that I am a very selfish person. Rather than saying that I wished that I had a man like him, I said that I wished I could be that patient and loving with people. Maybe someday I will have a man, but I’ve realized now is not the time. I’m still a very self-centered person, and love is such a selfless thing. Maybe I don’t really doubt the reality and existence of love as much as I claim to. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll never find it. That I’ll never get to have a husband that truly and deeply loves me; that I’ll never wake up with his hand on my swollen, pregnant belly and just lay there, content in the knowledge that he and I are happy. I just want to be happy in a relationship. I’m perfectly content to be single, but if this is my lot in life, I’d like to know. I want to just know that someday I will be someone’s “median naranja.” *Sigh.* Maybe someday things will make sense.
Or maybe I should just buy a cat.

WOW.

Sometimes things are freaking weird.
Sometimes things are awful.
Sometimes things are amazing.
Like tonight.
I freaking love college. It's strange how random things are.
Things are crazy.

Ah

I had about three paragraphs yesterday but got distracted and exited it!!! :(
I'm so glad the Lord knows me.
I've been praying that Joe would know that I want to just be friends. And yesterday Joe called and said he felt like we ought to just be friends. I was ELATED!
He was so worried I'd be hurt.
NOT AT ALL.
I know that it's an answer to my prayers.

I missed the last few days...

Two weeks....That's not so bad...
He and I are just friends. And I think that I prefer it that way.
He said the sweetest thing last night.
He sent me a text....SEptember fourth, 2:07 Am.
I asked him what that meant.
And he said it was the exact time of our first kiss.
All I could say was...AWWWWW!
The other day he read something in the New Era or something else church-related.
It said that if a couple can abscond entirely from any physical involvement for two full weeks, then their relationship is good and healthy.
That means no kissing, long hugs, holding hands, nothing.
I want him to serve an honorable, worthy mission.
And two weeks is NOTHING when I think about how proud I am of him.

And now for something completely different...

The International Language Program called the other day. they still want me to move to Russia. If I go, I'll be leaving in January and I'll be there until June. I'm still not sure if I'll gom but if I do, it will be the very best thing ever!! I'm really excited but it all just depends on what my father says. I respect that man so much. I want so much for him to be proud of me.

I'll be going home on Friday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make my decision by then.
Ah I gotta get a job.

Reasons....

1. Reasons Why He and I are Incompatible:

• He's wishy-washy. I like to know where I stand, then stand firm
• He can't vocalize things. Elocution has always been my strong point.
• He tries to analyze and "help" me. I HATE that.
• He almost acts ashamed....He won't talk to HER about us. She doesn't know we're dating because he's trying very hard to keep it incognito.
• I'm not ready to date a preemie. He's gotta go on a mission and getting involved would cause drama.

2. Reasons Why I Like Him:

• He's so smart. I love intelligence.
• He's so sweet. Some of the things he says blow me away.
• We are both attracted to one another.
• He makes me laugh. REALLY laugh. I haven't laughed like that in ages.
• He is SO handsome. I LOVE his dimples
• His eyes make me melt. When he stares at me, I can feel my temperature rising.
• He's strong in the gospel and uses his Priesthood. I love that most about him.
• He's so creative and funny.
• He genuinely cares about me.

3. Reasons Why I Wish I Could Make this Work:

• I love to be around him
• I love spending time with him
• He makes me so happy
• He tries so hard to make me see myself as he sees me.
• He sees me in a completely different light than I see myself.
• He wants me to be happy
• He is a good, worthy member
• He's got such a strong personality
• We are such a great pair.
• He's HOT!

4. Things I'm Confused About:

• Why this is so complicated.
• Why I'm so worried about this.
• Why I care so much about something so stupid
• How childish this entire thing is.
• Why he can't just man up and tell Adrianna. Ultimately, that's the underlying crap.
• Where my life is going.
• What's going on with Chris Rollins

5. Things that Frustrate Me:

• Uncertainty and Insecurity
• The fact that this is so complicated
• That he can't just man up and talk to her
• That he treats me like we're dating, then tells me that it isn't serious
• That I realized that I've got no idea where my life is headed or what I want any more
• The fact that I'm starting to wonder if I really did just come here to get married.
• The fact that I wonder what would happen if I were to get married right now.
• The fact that I'm actually wondering about stupid things like that.
• The fact that all of this is probably preventable

Am I bringing this upon myself? Ugh. Probably.

Hmmmmmm......I have a vague feeling of malaise

Well, THAT was interesting.
HE and I aren't dating now.
He says I love you, kisses me, holds my hand.
Cuddles with me and whispers in my ear about how he cares about me.
And then he tells me he doesn't want to get serious.
I recognize that he wants to serve a mission.
I'm so proud of him and I want him to go.
I would NEVER stand in the way of that.
But telling me he loves me and then saying that we aren't serious?
What does that mean? Why would he say that?
Oh...and the big clincher....I love this...
He tells me that I have psychological issues and need to see a shrink to fix my problems.
And that he wants to help me.
Um, Excuse me?
I may have a few minute problems.
Hell, I may have some really big ones.
But that is none of his effing business and just because he's taken a few classes and thinks he sees things that need fixing does not entitle him to try to "fix" me.
I'm not even his girlfriend from what he says. Why would I want some wishy-washy jerk who changes his mind from day to day about how he feels about me trying to "solve" my "Psycologiocal" issues?!?!?!
I do care very deeply for Him.
He's an amazing guy. I love to spend time with him and he always makes me laugh.
But I'm so tired of getting screwed over.
I want a NORMAL relationship...
Boy meets Girl.
Boy and Girl like one another.
Boy asks Girl out, Girl excitedly accepts.
Boy and Girl date.
No Drama.
No Strife.
Why do I get the feeling that College may just be an extension of high school?

I missed yesterday.

I wish i could write exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, but circumstances prevent me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old. And I hate it. All wrapped up and addicted to drama. It nauseates me.
He's amazing. I care about him so much. It's exciting and new and it makes me so happy.
But she stands in the way. Between the two of us, there is no drama. no problems. We are a perfectly content couple. Enter the sweet, dear liitle stalker girl. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it. Her false stories and annoying one-ups drive me insane! My sweet boy is worried that we'll cause more drama so I patiently sit by myself on the couch alone while she sits a little too close, oblivious to the fact that He and I are dating. I am trying so hard not to be jealous or overbearing. it's working beautifully. I don't want to cause any more drama. SHE is great at inventing her own drama and involving everyone else as well.
IT'S COLLEGE!
HOLY FREAKING CRAP IT'S COLLEGE. DRAMA WAS A HIGH SCHOOL THING. NO....DRAMA WAS A FREAKING MIDDLE SCHOOL THING!!!!!!
It's getting so annoying to hide the fact that we're together. All our friends know. I think she is the ONLY person that doesn't know that He and I are together. We've decided to wait a week or so longer and then we'll be able to be a little less incognito. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but I guess it sort of is.

On a brighter note, I'm doing very well in my classes. My english class is spectacular and i love to write and she's emphasizing the importance of creative writing.
All of my other classes are breezy and I'm having such a good time here now that i've absconded from all the drama of everyone else (except HER), my life is beginning to be the amazing dream I've always imagined it to be.
I'm going home next weekend and I'm going to spend the majority of it with my family. I really sorta miss them.

Titles.....are insufficient

My goodness.
I like him.
I like him.
I like him.
Mom's right.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
It shouldn't be this hard to decide.
So many complications.
So much to stand in the way.
so much crap and drama.
I'm trying to AVOID this sheeeeeep.
and it's not working

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

my hair looks amazing. I dyed a streak of it red. and I LOVE IT!
I don't know what to do about the drama.
keepin things under wraps only lasts so long.
grrrrrr.

College.......

URGH.
I really don't have time for all this drama.
College is supposed to be about being mature.
We aren't in pre-school. And high school is totally over.
SO GET OVER YOURSELVES, TRY TO STOP BEING IMMATURE, AND GROW THE DUTCH UP!!!!!!!!!
that's all for today.
=]

Biology 101

Today’s blog is about my birth mother. I still have no reason why in particular that I’d like to meet her. Usually my assumptions of who people are or what they look like are very inaccurate.
When I imagine what it will be like, I see it going something like this…We agree to meet in a coffee shop near where I grew up and where my friends and I often spent our afternoons following classes. Her back is turned. I’m running late and see her before she sees me. I stare at the back of her head, admiring the brown-black hair that is slightly streaked with white. I’ve got the same hair and don’t need to see it in the sun to know that it has red highlights. She pauses, sensing someone looking at her and turns to me. She is medium in build, five eleven woman with my nose. Her lovely almond shaped eyes widen behind designer glasses and when she smiles I can see that we have the same thin lips. Her cheekbones are different and when I look closely I realize that my hairline is not hers either. I recognize with a jolt that those must come from my biological father. She draws me into her arms and tears begin to fall. We are totally oblivious to anyone else in the room. She pulls back and sizes me up. We sit and begin to converse. We talk about everything, she takes out pictures, I produce the carefully constructed scrapbook I have created for our meeting. She tells me things and I ask question after question. Her voice is soft and lilting and I just know that she is a singer too. Our meeting lasts much longer than I intended and before we know it, the shop is closing and it’s time to go. I request to see her again and she complies, hugging me again for a long time. I am surprised but pleased when I feel warm tears wet my hair.
Okay so that’s not what will probably happen. But I’d really like to meet her. Even just a few times. Get to know her, talk to her, thank her. My parents tell me that they’re okay with it and that they’d support me, but I’m not too sure how much I believe that. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my someday adopted children wanted to meet their biological parents. Would I support them outwardly and cry alone in my room after they have left? Or will I be as eager to meet her as they are, excited to thank her and embrace her, two mothers, one child?
I want a nap now. Thinking about this always gives me a headache.

First and foremost....

Well This is my first attempt at running a blog. A good friend suggested that I get a journal but I've tried many times and can't seem to get into writing in one continually. I write constantly on the internet, so I guess that a blog will probably suit me better.
I got home today from being in Tucson. It's strange to call Thatcher home but I do now. There are so many people here that were shadows of my old life. SHE is here. Still as perky and fake as always. So much like her dear sweet mother that it sickens me. I tried being polite when she came up to talk, but her sickly false joy at seeing me and her pointed remarks sharpened my tongue into the weapon my parents have warned me to control for years. She greeted me, stating her surprise at seeing that i wasn't dead. Or pregnant *looking pointedly at my stomach (so I've put on a few pounds. sue me.)* So I smiled with the same false enthusiasm and replied that her mother's plastic surgeon did an excellent job on her nose...it wasn't nearly as bulbous and that you could barely see the scars. My friends hid snickers behind pretend coughs as her eyes narrowed in that satanic way. I cocked my eyebrow and smiled, proud of the fact that I have learned to stand up to people.
I want to get a skateboard. it looks so fun and even though I have a very minimal sense of balance, I may be able to teach myself eventually. I'm just concerned that I will fall and break something before I get the gist of it.
This weekend felt sort of wasted. my father is pretty upset with me and I feel like I have failed him. Two weeks from now we'll have a good conversation. I miss that.
I guess that's it for now. maybe later i'll think of more things to say.