AHAHAHAH

wellllllll, so the whole not dating for a while? yeahhhh didn't work
I can't help it if I'm popular!!! hahahaha
Levi. Ah sweet Levi.
Affectionate, caring, rough and tough cowboy type.
Sweet tingles down my spine
and a tickle of butterflies.
I should DEFINITELY not be falling this hard or fast.
but it feels GOOD to feel good.
and it feels REALLY good to be wanted.
=]

TRIP!!!

Two weeks from yesterday!!
AH I'm excited!!
LIFE is amazing,
Sometimes it's just hard to remember.
Joe and I had a good, long discussion and fixed our fights.
We're friends again.
it will take a while but maybe things will be better than before.
Ethan really likes me, but I'm so confused and worried about that.
I don't thing I wanna date for a while.

The Lord Sure loves me!!

Last night I had the OVERWHELMING urge to get a blessing. I had wanted one for a few weeks, but it was sorta back-of-my mind type thing and I wasn't too worried about it. But last night at about six i decided i absolutely needed one. So I asked a friend of mine, but got distracted and so he went to bed. My friend Matt said he could talk to his RM roommate. This was about midnight. So he calls Simon who immediately comes out...in a necktie and white shirt. He told me that he had had a feeling to stay up because he'd be giving a blessing so he got dressed. I had been silently praying that I would get one and that I would get the guidance and instruction that I needed. We went to his friend's house and her friend Tom just happened to be there, so he helped with the blessing. In the blessing, He said a few phrases that were in my patriarchal blessing! it also talked about how much the Lord loves me, and how proud my parents and the Lord are of me. It promised me that I would have the peace I desired, and that the Lord was pleased that I had such a strong desire to get a blessing. He advised me to pray out loud day and night and that I needed to talk openly to God about everything I do and my whole days. I wept most of the time. The Lord answered my prayers so much. I'm so grateful for the gospel and for the love that Christ and my Father in Heaven have for me. they sure love me!!

Older poems

Just found these and figured I'd throw these in here for your enjoyment.

Him
Let me be
What I used to be
Your heart
Your smile
Your sunshine and your starry night
Let me be your lover
Your best girl and your sweetheart
The one you run to
When things go wrong
And the girl you think about
Before you go to sleep at night
I miss you so much sometimes
Like right now.

The Boy
Soft Summer hugs
And Warm Winter Blankets
Our silly escapades
And Circle K runs
Laughing over stupid fights
And crying during The Princess Bride
Secret kisses while my parents
Looked away or down.
Riding in your PimpMobile
And listening to that same song
Twelve times.
Getting lost downtown
Cuz you refused to ask the bums for directions.
Sneaking out every night
To sit around at the Midnight Diner
Talking to the waitress
Who invited us to her wedding.
When you moved away
And left me…
Life was a blur
Of work, classes that now seemed unimportant,
And an emotional torrent that enveloped every aspect of my life
Phone calls
Every spare minute possible
That didn’t last.
Summer began and I came to be with you.
And we know that it’s only a matter of time.
But I miss the naïveté
And the childish games
When you were
My lover, my high school sweetheart
And my best friend.

THE QUEEN
Creeping through the long whisper-grass
Hunger will take me unless I conquer it first.
There! Just a few more leaps away
The She-meal bends her long throat
To sip from the deep waters.
I slink silently closer and closer.
Her jaw tenses and her ears flick back
Catching sounds.
Head raised, she gazes across the hunting grounds
I cease my breath.
Her blank stare misses me
And she returns to filling her belly
Secure in the lie that she is safe
While my hushed paws come closer.
Light filters through the monkey-trees
Casting shadows perfect for me to hide
Screaming birds call their warnings
In an unfamiliar language to the foolish She-meal.
My muscles ripple as I noiselessly
Poise for attack.

I'm sure there is other stuff. For now, this is it though.

Well...

Hmm. Trying hard to stay Drama free. Drug free is easy, Drama free...not so much.
Maybe someday I'll get this whole social thing down.
But, then again, maybe not.
For some reason, I feel like I'm regressing here.
I read what I've written, and it feels like I'm shrinking and all I do is whine.
Maybe someday I'll be a mature adult.
It's freaking cold in here.
Gosh wow. I need to get a life.

LOVE?!

I'm so lost right now. I really don't know what my purpose is, or what I'm doing. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm sad. Joe and I ruined things with each other, we both made mistakes and I messed up pretty badly this time. It would be so simple to blame him...to point my finger and pretend that I'm an innocent victim. The sad part is that I realize now that there is very rarely (if ever) a truly innocent victim. Putting yourself into a sketchy position nullifies a portion of your innocence in a situation. Saying or doing even the most simple and seemingly uneventful thing can be the wedge driven between you and another person.
What does love really mean? Is it sex? Is it something that nobody truly comprehends, like eternity or the sun? I’m so lost. I’ve been talking to so many people and everyone talks about it in a different way. Some people say it just happens. Others say they’ve gotta work at it. Other skeptics, like me, disbelieve, claiming it’s merely lust with a little bit of pretty frills.
How can I ever truly know what love is? I’ve tried. I wanted so badly to know what love was and where and how I could find it. I’ve thought three times now that I knew what it was. That I had love; was loved. Was it real? They seemed to think so, and for a few brief, perfect moments, I wanted to believe it so badly that I deceived myself into thinking that it was the genuine article.
Is it possible that I can truly be loved? That I can have what Paul and Elise have, what my parents and the prophets have?
I realized today thanks to a very smart man, that love has its own agenda, and that it takes an unselfish woman to love a man. I used to say things like, “wow! I wish I could have a husband like THAT.” Or, “I wish I could find someone as amazing as him.” Today, when he told me of his life, his hardships and how he’d tested his now-wife’s devotion before their engagement, I realized that I am a very selfish person. Rather than saying that I wished that I had a man like him, I said that I wished I could be that patient and loving with people. Maybe someday I will have a man, but I’ve realized now is not the time. I’m still a very self-centered person, and love is such a selfless thing. Maybe I don’t really doubt the reality and existence of love as much as I claim to. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll never find it. That I’ll never get to have a husband that truly and deeply loves me; that I’ll never wake up with his hand on my swollen, pregnant belly and just lay there, content in the knowledge that he and I are happy. I just want to be happy in a relationship. I’m perfectly content to be single, but if this is my lot in life, I’d like to know. I want to just know that someday I will be someone’s “median naranja.” *Sigh.* Maybe someday things will make sense.
Or maybe I should just buy a cat.

WOW.

Sometimes things are freaking weird.
Sometimes things are awful.
Sometimes things are amazing.
Like tonight.
I freaking love college. It's strange how random things are.
Things are crazy.

Ah

I had about three paragraphs yesterday but got distracted and exited it!!! :(
I'm so glad the Lord knows me.
I've been praying that Joe would know that I want to just be friends. And yesterday Joe called and said he felt like we ought to just be friends. I was ELATED!
He was so worried I'd be hurt.
NOT AT ALL.
I know that it's an answer to my prayers.

I missed the last few days...

Two weeks....That's not so bad...
He and I are just friends. And I think that I prefer it that way.
He said the sweetest thing last night.
He sent me a text....SEptember fourth, 2:07 Am.
I asked him what that meant.
And he said it was the exact time of our first kiss.
All I could say was...AWWWWW!
The other day he read something in the New Era or something else church-related.
It said that if a couple can abscond entirely from any physical involvement for two full weeks, then their relationship is good and healthy.
That means no kissing, long hugs, holding hands, nothing.
I want him to serve an honorable, worthy mission.
And two weeks is NOTHING when I think about how proud I am of him.

And now for something completely different...

The International Language Program called the other day. they still want me to move to Russia. If I go, I'll be leaving in January and I'll be there until June. I'm still not sure if I'll gom but if I do, it will be the very best thing ever!! I'm really excited but it all just depends on what my father says. I respect that man so much. I want so much for him to be proud of me.

I'll be going home on Friday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make my decision by then.
Ah I gotta get a job.

Reasons....

1. Reasons Why He and I are Incompatible:

• He's wishy-washy. I like to know where I stand, then stand firm
• He can't vocalize things. Elocution has always been my strong point.
• He tries to analyze and "help" me. I HATE that.
• He almost acts ashamed....He won't talk to HER about us. She doesn't know we're dating because he's trying very hard to keep it incognito.
• I'm not ready to date a preemie. He's gotta go on a mission and getting involved would cause drama.

2. Reasons Why I Like Him:

• He's so smart. I love intelligence.
• He's so sweet. Some of the things he says blow me away.
• We are both attracted to one another.
• He makes me laugh. REALLY laugh. I haven't laughed like that in ages.
• He is SO handsome. I LOVE his dimples
• His eyes make me melt. When he stares at me, I can feel my temperature rising.
• He's strong in the gospel and uses his Priesthood. I love that most about him.
• He's so creative and funny.
• He genuinely cares about me.

3. Reasons Why I Wish I Could Make this Work:

• I love to be around him
• I love spending time with him
• He makes me so happy
• He tries so hard to make me see myself as he sees me.
• He sees me in a completely different light than I see myself.
• He wants me to be happy
• He is a good, worthy member
• He's got such a strong personality
• We are such a great pair.
• He's HOT!

4. Things I'm Confused About:

• Why this is so complicated.
• Why I'm so worried about this.
• Why I care so much about something so stupid
• How childish this entire thing is.
• Why he can't just man up and tell Adrianna. Ultimately, that's the underlying crap.
• Where my life is going.
• What's going on with Chris Rollins

5. Things that Frustrate Me:

• Uncertainty and Insecurity
• The fact that this is so complicated
• That he can't just man up and talk to her
• That he treats me like we're dating, then tells me that it isn't serious
• That I realized that I've got no idea where my life is headed or what I want any more
• The fact that I'm starting to wonder if I really did just come here to get married.
• The fact that I wonder what would happen if I were to get married right now.
• The fact that I'm actually wondering about stupid things like that.
• The fact that all of this is probably preventable

Am I bringing this upon myself? Ugh. Probably.

Hmmmmmm......I have a vague feeling of malaise

Well, THAT was interesting.
HE and I aren't dating now.
He says I love you, kisses me, holds my hand.
Cuddles with me and whispers in my ear about how he cares about me.
And then he tells me he doesn't want to get serious.
I recognize that he wants to serve a mission.
I'm so proud of him and I want him to go.
I would NEVER stand in the way of that.
But telling me he loves me and then saying that we aren't serious?
What does that mean? Why would he say that?
Oh...and the big clincher....I love this...
He tells me that I have psychological issues and need to see a shrink to fix my problems.
And that he wants to help me.
Um, Excuse me?
I may have a few minute problems.
Hell, I may have some really big ones.
But that is none of his effing business and just because he's taken a few classes and thinks he sees things that need fixing does not entitle him to try to "fix" me.
I'm not even his girlfriend from what he says. Why would I want some wishy-washy jerk who changes his mind from day to day about how he feels about me trying to "solve" my "Psycologiocal" issues?!?!?!
I do care very deeply for Him.
He's an amazing guy. I love to spend time with him and he always makes me laugh.
But I'm so tired of getting screwed over.
I want a NORMAL relationship...
Boy meets Girl.
Boy and Girl like one another.
Boy asks Girl out, Girl excitedly accepts.
Boy and Girl date.
No Drama.
No Strife.
Why do I get the feeling that College may just be an extension of high school?

I missed yesterday.

I wish i could write exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, but circumstances prevent me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old. And I hate it. All wrapped up and addicted to drama. It nauseates me.
He's amazing. I care about him so much. It's exciting and new and it makes me so happy.
But she stands in the way. Between the two of us, there is no drama. no problems. We are a perfectly content couple. Enter the sweet, dear liitle stalker girl. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it. Her false stories and annoying one-ups drive me insane! My sweet boy is worried that we'll cause more drama so I patiently sit by myself on the couch alone while she sits a little too close, oblivious to the fact that He and I are dating. I am trying so hard not to be jealous or overbearing. it's working beautifully. I don't want to cause any more drama. SHE is great at inventing her own drama and involving everyone else as well.
IT'S COLLEGE!
HOLY FREAKING CRAP IT'S COLLEGE. DRAMA WAS A HIGH SCHOOL THING. NO....DRAMA WAS A FREAKING MIDDLE SCHOOL THING!!!!!!
It's getting so annoying to hide the fact that we're together. All our friends know. I think she is the ONLY person that doesn't know that He and I are together. We've decided to wait a week or so longer and then we'll be able to be a little less incognito. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but I guess it sort of is.

On a brighter note, I'm doing very well in my classes. My english class is spectacular and i love to write and she's emphasizing the importance of creative writing.
All of my other classes are breezy and I'm having such a good time here now that i've absconded from all the drama of everyone else (except HER), my life is beginning to be the amazing dream I've always imagined it to be.
I'm going home next weekend and I'm going to spend the majority of it with my family. I really sorta miss them.

Titles.....are insufficient

My goodness.
I like him.
I like him.
I like him.
Mom's right.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
It shouldn't be this hard to decide.
So many complications.
So much to stand in the way.
so much crap and drama.
I'm trying to AVOID this sheeeeeep.
and it's not working

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

my hair looks amazing. I dyed a streak of it red. and I LOVE IT!
I don't know what to do about the drama.
keepin things under wraps only lasts so long.
grrrrrr.

College.......

URGH.
I really don't have time for all this drama.
College is supposed to be about being mature.
We aren't in pre-school. And high school is totally over.
SO GET OVER YOURSELVES, TRY TO STOP BEING IMMATURE, AND GROW THE DUTCH UP!!!!!!!!!
that's all for today.
=]

Biology 101

Today’s blog is about my birth mother. I still have no reason why in particular that I’d like to meet her. Usually my assumptions of who people are or what they look like are very inaccurate.
When I imagine what it will be like, I see it going something like this…We agree to meet in a coffee shop near where I grew up and where my friends and I often spent our afternoons following classes. Her back is turned. I’m running late and see her before she sees me. I stare at the back of her head, admiring the brown-black hair that is slightly streaked with white. I’ve got the same hair and don’t need to see it in the sun to know that it has red highlights. She pauses, sensing someone looking at her and turns to me. She is medium in build, five eleven woman with my nose. Her lovely almond shaped eyes widen behind designer glasses and when she smiles I can see that we have the same thin lips. Her cheekbones are different and when I look closely I realize that my hairline is not hers either. I recognize with a jolt that those must come from my biological father. She draws me into her arms and tears begin to fall. We are totally oblivious to anyone else in the room. She pulls back and sizes me up. We sit and begin to converse. We talk about everything, she takes out pictures, I produce the carefully constructed scrapbook I have created for our meeting. She tells me things and I ask question after question. Her voice is soft and lilting and I just know that she is a singer too. Our meeting lasts much longer than I intended and before we know it, the shop is closing and it’s time to go. I request to see her again and she complies, hugging me again for a long time. I am surprised but pleased when I feel warm tears wet my hair.
Okay so that’s not what will probably happen. But I’d really like to meet her. Even just a few times. Get to know her, talk to her, thank her. My parents tell me that they’re okay with it and that they’d support me, but I’m not too sure how much I believe that. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my someday adopted children wanted to meet their biological parents. Would I support them outwardly and cry alone in my room after they have left? Or will I be as eager to meet her as they are, excited to thank her and embrace her, two mothers, one child?
I want a nap now. Thinking about this always gives me a headache.

First and foremost....

Well This is my first attempt at running a blog. A good friend suggested that I get a journal but I've tried many times and can't seem to get into writing in one continually. I write constantly on the internet, so I guess that a blog will probably suit me better.
I got home today from being in Tucson. It's strange to call Thatcher home but I do now. There are so many people here that were shadows of my old life. SHE is here. Still as perky and fake as always. So much like her dear sweet mother that it sickens me. I tried being polite when she came up to talk, but her sickly false joy at seeing me and her pointed remarks sharpened my tongue into the weapon my parents have warned me to control for years. She greeted me, stating her surprise at seeing that i wasn't dead. Or pregnant *looking pointedly at my stomach (so I've put on a few pounds. sue me.)* So I smiled with the same false enthusiasm and replied that her mother's plastic surgeon did an excellent job on her nose...it wasn't nearly as bulbous and that you could barely see the scars. My friends hid snickers behind pretend coughs as her eyes narrowed in that satanic way. I cocked my eyebrow and smiled, proud of the fact that I have learned to stand up to people.
I want to get a skateboard. it looks so fun and even though I have a very minimal sense of balance, I may be able to teach myself eventually. I'm just concerned that I will fall and break something before I get the gist of it.
This weekend felt sort of wasted. my father is pretty upset with me and I feel like I have failed him. Two weeks from now we'll have a good conversation. I miss that.
I guess that's it for now. maybe later i'll think of more things to say.