LOVE?!

I'm so lost right now. I really don't know what my purpose is, or what I'm doing. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm sad. Joe and I ruined things with each other, we both made mistakes and I messed up pretty badly this time. It would be so simple to blame him...to point my finger and pretend that I'm an innocent victim. The sad part is that I realize now that there is very rarely (if ever) a truly innocent victim. Putting yourself into a sketchy position nullifies a portion of your innocence in a situation. Saying or doing even the most simple and seemingly uneventful thing can be the wedge driven between you and another person.
What does love really mean? Is it sex? Is it something that nobody truly comprehends, like eternity or the sun? I’m so lost. I’ve been talking to so many people and everyone talks about it in a different way. Some people say it just happens. Others say they’ve gotta work at it. Other skeptics, like me, disbelieve, claiming it’s merely lust with a little bit of pretty frills.
How can I ever truly know what love is? I’ve tried. I wanted so badly to know what love was and where and how I could find it. I’ve thought three times now that I knew what it was. That I had love; was loved. Was it real? They seemed to think so, and for a few brief, perfect moments, I wanted to believe it so badly that I deceived myself into thinking that it was the genuine article.
Is it possible that I can truly be loved? That I can have what Paul and Elise have, what my parents and the prophets have?
I realized today thanks to a very smart man, that love has its own agenda, and that it takes an unselfish woman to love a man. I used to say things like, “wow! I wish I could have a husband like THAT.” Or, “I wish I could find someone as amazing as him.” Today, when he told me of his life, his hardships and how he’d tested his now-wife’s devotion before their engagement, I realized that I am a very selfish person. Rather than saying that I wished that I had a man like him, I said that I wished I could be that patient and loving with people. Maybe someday I will have a man, but I’ve realized now is not the time. I’m still a very self-centered person, and love is such a selfless thing. Maybe I don’t really doubt the reality and existence of love as much as I claim to. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll never find it. That I’ll never get to have a husband that truly and deeply loves me; that I’ll never wake up with his hand on my swollen, pregnant belly and just lay there, content in the knowledge that he and I are happy. I just want to be happy in a relationship. I’m perfectly content to be single, but if this is my lot in life, I’d like to know. I want to just know that someday I will be someone’s “median naranja.” *Sigh.* Maybe someday things will make sense.
Or maybe I should just buy a cat.