wrote this last night...

I’ve been reading my mother’s journal. Wrong, I know. An invasion of privacy. But it has opened my eyes and made me realize what it is that I love so much about my mother. We’re exactly the same. We were so similar growing up (our personalities more than our circumstances) that it’s eerie. I love her so much right now and it makes me pretty sad that I won’t be living with her ever again. I wonder if that’s something I will be sad about for the rest of my life. I miss my daddy. And my mother. Sometimes I envy Skye, Sierra, and yes, sometimes even Monique. They’ve got eight, ten, even twenty more years. I don’t think I gave my parents enough credit when I was living with them. I’m a tough person to live with and they (more or less patiently) tolerated me for a bit over eighteen years.
Sometimes I wonder what they thought or talked about as they dropped me off for college. Did Mom cry? Did Daddy swallow hard, trying to hold back his emotion? Did they sigh a breath of relief, secure in the knowledge that I was out of their hair? I think they talked about me, laughing as they reminisced about how much I’ve grown and how proud of me they are. I miss them a lot sometimes, and it makes me feel a little guilty that I haven’t been calling and e-mailing them as often as I should. I wonder sometimes what our family reunions will be like ten years from now. I’ll have four kids and a great husband, Marsi will have had at least one or two and her sweet husband will be stroking her swollen, pregnant belly as they discuss baby names. Anthony will (I hope) have cleaned up and married a pretty girl, probably Kristi. Skye and Sierra will have graduated high school, Monique will have graduated and works at Safeway or Wal-Mart and is satisfied and happy with her life. Paul and Elise will be there too, and Afton will be twelve. Her little sister, Rayna and their three or four siblings will drive her insane and she’ll come lean on me, confiding that they drive her nuts. Will we see each other any more after we all move out? For some very sad reason I doubt it strongly.
I keep thinking about what it was like when we all lived together, particularly before we all got jobs. the summer we moved here….we all spent so much time together and drove each other insane, but we got stronger too. I miss my family so much right now!! I don’t even know why. They drive me crazy and we fight every time I come home. But I do miss them. So much. I remember wanting to see Melina every single time that we went up to Tucson, and after we moved there, I liked to pretend that if I were to just drive to where she used to be, that she would be there. That if I were to just stop by her old apartment and ring the doorbell that she would answer it and things would be just like they should be. I still miss her so much sometimes. It’s been so long but I can still remember exactly what she sounded like, what she felt like when you hugged her, exactly what she smelled like even…I guess I’m still not over her. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes. i need her so much right now.
I started my new job today! I LOVE IT! All I do is spend time answering phones and calling people. it's called WesternWats and it's amazing. I'm so excited about this job.
And now I'm realllly tired and going to bed. goodnight!