AND, as usual, Mayra is the fool

AS USUAL…
I should have guessed this was going to happen.
But usually it’s someone’s fault. This time, neither of us is at fault. Levi likes me, I like him. He just doesn’t wanna get into a relationship because he is afraid we’d do more…I hate that. I know how to control myself. DANG it!! WHY do I have to keep being stupid and getting attached?! He’s beautiful and so wonderful. I love how he pops my thumbs. And how he takes my face in his hands and just looks into my eyes. He doesn’t even have to kiss me, just looking at me like that fills me up and I love it. I love how he tells me things…he tells me so much and I feel so special to be a part of his life.
But I knew this would happen eventually.
Boys like Levi are like fire. You’re so wildly attracted to them, and it instantly catches your eye. You want more than anything to touch it, feel it with your hands, caress and stroke such a beautiful thing. But it’s so exotic and foreign that you’re frightened. Meanwhile, the fire warms and flirts, beauty personified. And as soon as you reach out, allow yourself to feel, to be felt, you get burned. And sometimes you’re so wrapped up in its splendor that you don’t even notice how severe you are being wounded until it’s too late and you’re maimed for the rest of your life.
Why couldn’t we just try at least? I can control myself and I know when to say no. I care very deeply for him, but no boy, no matter how attractive or wonderful, will keep me from my promises or my dreams. He wants to go on a mission. And I respect that completely, and no matter what, I refuse, absolutely refuse to get in the way of that. I TOLD him that.
My roommate made an excellent point. She told me that maybe it’s because of how much he respects me. The other girls that he did things with, his other girlfriends, were special to him, but he respects me so much that he doesn’t want to hurt me like he did them. That makes sense. She’s really smart. I just wish I had the same insight as the people that are trying to comfort me. That I could take my own advice…I give out expert advice. Words that soothe and satisfy. Advice that allows people to feel better about randy actions and less hard on themselves for their perceived faults and failings. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot allow myself the same relief, cannot allow myself to apply the salve to my own wounds. I guess that’s me being selfish and stupid. I’m so good at giving people happiness in relationships. I can tell who fits perfectly with who, while inside I struggle with my own stupid insecurities. Maybe that is why none of my relationships work…they can sense that insecurity and eventually it ruins things. Who knows?
I need to get a cat. They won’t hurt me like this.