soooooo

I had a reallllly scary dream about Chris...
FIRST OFF, Last night we had a bit of a falling out and I went to bed still angry with him. he said he'd call me and he never did and we'd already been upset with each other, me because he didn't come to my concert (that in itself was fine. It was just hard because I was really excited about seeing him. And for the final program, nobody came to see me at all. It sounds very selfish of me, but it hurts when you're the only person in the entire choir program that didn't have anyone come to the concert to see me. for not one, but TWO concerts. Thursday, a lot of my friends came A lot of my friends came, which I am very grateful for, but the fact that my parents or family didn't come was pretty hard to swallow. Chris is pretty much still one of my closest friends and I'm VERY much still in love with him.)
I came home and my mom handed me the phone, saying that someone wanted to talk to me. i said hello and someone on the other side said that Chris had died. I asked who it was and they wouldn't tell me. just that he had died.
I called his brother (which is strange because i don't even have his number) and he said that I had made him sick because we had argued and then he told me that Chris had died from exactly the same thing that Melina had...And that it was my fault...again. that it was my fault because fighting with him had made him sick. but this time i KNEW it really was. I was so freaked out but i didn't believe him so i turned on the TV and the news was talking about him dying and showed lots of pictures of him. I kept trying over and over to call him but his phone wasn't working and i was so frightened that I guess I woke up screaming
My poor roommate. she's got such patience. I was so scared. I called my father to cry about a bad dream. I still need my daddy. I also called Chris, and we talked a little bit and he was pretty worried about me but I'm fine knowing that he's all right.
I guess that It's all good. I was just freaked out. I guess that means that i'm still in love with Chris and i guess i may still not be over Melina's death.

AH MY HEART!

So this last little bit has been interesting. I didn't know things could be so insane. I guess this just means that I have a lot more growing to do first. I'm sure that something better is out there. Maybe we're just not right for each other anymore. But saying that still doesn't make it hurt any less. I know that my faith is what's keeping me sane right now, and that the knowledge that I'm a Daughter of God is what is holding my life together. I'm sure that the Lord has something or someone much different and better in store for me. And that does help a little
But why does it have to be like this? Three times now I have been sure that I was right. I prayed and meditated on it for such a long time. So why was I wrong again?! I thought that he felt the same for me. He showed me that he loved me, told me that he loved me. What could change that?! Was it something that I did?
What worries me most is the fact that I feel okay already. Does that mean I’m still numb or am I truly okay with it? Is it possible to be okay with this? I just hope that this won’t screw over my future relationships.
I need to go to sleep.

We're baaaack!!

This has been THE best weekend of my LIFE! It was amazing!!!!!
I'm busy or I'd write a loooong story, but for now, just agree that it was incredible.

Quick update

AHH So much to do, so little time. two and a half hours till departure. WE're going to CALIFORNIA!!!!!!
I feel REALLLLLY bad about pretending to be drunk and frightening Joe and Ryan. I was kidding, and in a sense it sort of offends me that they believed me. A, I'm not stupid enough to drink in the first place, and B, even if I was, do you HONESTLY thing that I would drive???? Come on, guys. That makes me pretty sad that you'd think I'm stupid enough to do that. you know me better than that. I do appreciate that you care, but still. ME?! drink?!?!?!? Dummmmb.
New guy. Dominic. Really Like him. Kind of a lot.
and he's a great kisser. *blushes*
Sometimes I wonder who reads this. Which makes me nervous. I almost hope that nobody does because of how intimate I make all of my journals. But at the same time, it's sorta cool to know that people can read my journal and get to know me better.
anyway, peace out. gotta go pack!!!!!

wrote this last night...

I’ve been reading my mother’s journal. Wrong, I know. An invasion of privacy. But it has opened my eyes and made me realize what it is that I love so much about my mother. We’re exactly the same. We were so similar growing up (our personalities more than our circumstances) that it’s eerie. I love her so much right now and it makes me pretty sad that I won’t be living with her ever again. I wonder if that’s something I will be sad about for the rest of my life. I miss my daddy. And my mother. Sometimes I envy Skye, Sierra, and yes, sometimes even Monique. They’ve got eight, ten, even twenty more years. I don’t think I gave my parents enough credit when I was living with them. I’m a tough person to live with and they (more or less patiently) tolerated me for a bit over eighteen years.
Sometimes I wonder what they thought or talked about as they dropped me off for college. Did Mom cry? Did Daddy swallow hard, trying to hold back his emotion? Did they sigh a breath of relief, secure in the knowledge that I was out of their hair? I think they talked about me, laughing as they reminisced about how much I’ve grown and how proud of me they are. I miss them a lot sometimes, and it makes me feel a little guilty that I haven’t been calling and e-mailing them as often as I should. I wonder sometimes what our family reunions will be like ten years from now. I’ll have four kids and a great husband, Marsi will have had at least one or two and her sweet husband will be stroking her swollen, pregnant belly as they discuss baby names. Anthony will (I hope) have cleaned up and married a pretty girl, probably Kristi. Skye and Sierra will have graduated high school, Monique will have graduated and works at Safeway or Wal-Mart and is satisfied and happy with her life. Paul and Elise will be there too, and Afton will be twelve. Her little sister, Rayna and their three or four siblings will drive her insane and she’ll come lean on me, confiding that they drive her nuts. Will we see each other any more after we all move out? For some very sad reason I doubt it strongly.
I keep thinking about what it was like when we all lived together, particularly before we all got jobs. the summer we moved here….we all spent so much time together and drove each other insane, but we got stronger too. I miss my family so much right now!! I don’t even know why. They drive me crazy and we fight every time I come home. But I do miss them. So much. I remember wanting to see Melina every single time that we went up to Tucson, and after we moved there, I liked to pretend that if I were to just drive to where she used to be, that she would be there. That if I were to just stop by her old apartment and ring the doorbell that she would answer it and things would be just like they should be. I still miss her so much sometimes. It’s been so long but I can still remember exactly what she sounded like, what she felt like when you hugged her, exactly what she smelled like even…I guess I’m still not over her. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes. i need her so much right now.
I started my new job today! I LOVE IT! All I do is spend time answering phones and calling people. it's called WesternWats and it's amazing. I'm so excited about this job.
And now I'm realllly tired and going to bed. goodnight!

can't believe it's so late.

it's already october!
I started my new job. its amazing!!!!!!!!
my phone got run over by a car.
sad day.
five days to cali!!!!!!!!

AND, as usual, Mayra is the fool

AS USUAL…
I should have guessed this was going to happen.
But usually it’s someone’s fault. This time, neither of us is at fault. Levi likes me, I like him. He just doesn’t wanna get into a relationship because he is afraid we’d do more…I hate that. I know how to control myself. DANG it!! WHY do I have to keep being stupid and getting attached?! He’s beautiful and so wonderful. I love how he pops my thumbs. And how he takes my face in his hands and just looks into my eyes. He doesn’t even have to kiss me, just looking at me like that fills me up and I love it. I love how he tells me things…he tells me so much and I feel so special to be a part of his life.
But I knew this would happen eventually.
Boys like Levi are like fire. You’re so wildly attracted to them, and it instantly catches your eye. You want more than anything to touch it, feel it with your hands, caress and stroke such a beautiful thing. But it’s so exotic and foreign that you’re frightened. Meanwhile, the fire warms and flirts, beauty personified. And as soon as you reach out, allow yourself to feel, to be felt, you get burned. And sometimes you’re so wrapped up in its splendor that you don’t even notice how severe you are being wounded until it’s too late and you’re maimed for the rest of your life.
Why couldn’t we just try at least? I can control myself and I know when to say no. I care very deeply for him, but no boy, no matter how attractive or wonderful, will keep me from my promises or my dreams. He wants to go on a mission. And I respect that completely, and no matter what, I refuse, absolutely refuse to get in the way of that. I TOLD him that.
My roommate made an excellent point. She told me that maybe it’s because of how much he respects me. The other girls that he did things with, his other girlfriends, were special to him, but he respects me so much that he doesn’t want to hurt me like he did them. That makes sense. She’s really smart. I just wish I had the same insight as the people that are trying to comfort me. That I could take my own advice…I give out expert advice. Words that soothe and satisfy. Advice that allows people to feel better about randy actions and less hard on themselves for their perceived faults and failings. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot allow myself the same relief, cannot allow myself to apply the salve to my own wounds. I guess that’s me being selfish and stupid. I’m so good at giving people happiness in relationships. I can tell who fits perfectly with who, while inside I struggle with my own stupid insecurities. Maybe that is why none of my relationships work…they can sense that insecurity and eventually it ruins things. Who knows?
I need to get a cat. They won’t hurt me like this.