Good Gravy. AGAIN?!?!

I have a boyfriend again. I keep doing this to myself. I suppose this means that I’m still not comfortable in my own skin. The boys that I date are below me for the most part. I know that, and yet I continue to allow myself to be kissed and touched, feigning attraction when I know that it is only a matter of time before things turn sour. I don’t really want to be with the people I spend time around. I know that I ought to be going to church functions. I should be associating with people that are LDS, spending time with those that I know could potentially take me to the temple.
Perhaps the reason that I’m so hesitant to do so is because I’m secretly afraid that I will really fall in love. The boys that I spend time with are safe. I don’t have to worry about falling in love. And even if I were to fall in love, I can just pull out my Mormon card and end things. This is my safety net. With the boys that I am with now, I don’t have to worry about being hurt. I can end things and move on. Mormon boys have the potential to destroy me. I am not willing to allow that.
Someday, I will date the type of guys that I truly want to date….Strong, handsome, tall and open. They won’t WANT to kiss me on the first date, or even the second or third. They’ll appreciate who I am and who I dream of becoming. Someday I will find one such individual in particular. He’ll stand out above the rest and be better than my wildest imaginations. He’ll make me laugh and inspire me to dream. He’ll want me to pursue my passions and allow me room to grow and soar. And we will be the happiest couple the world has ever known. He won’t want to dominate or push me around. I will be his equal and there will be no leaders or followers. I want to find him so badly, and it frightens me to think that perhaps he’s already out there looking for me, and he sees me holding hands with these guys that I feign attraction to and gets discouraged.
Hold on, My Someone! Don’t allow my childish antics and Post-High School-High School relationships to dissuade you from trying! Please keep the faith and hold on…for both of us. I’ll need your strength so much in the next few years. Be strong for me. Because at the moment, I’m nowhere near you in strength.