Incredibly long. Terribly honest. And totally painful.

I CONSTANTLY feel like an annoyance to people. It’s disgusting that I spend the majority of my time solving EVERYONE ELSE’S problems, and when I need someone, they’re all too busy or don’t feel like listening to me. I feel like a waste of time to them. But as SOON as they need someone, I allow myself to be used over and over again.
Why Can’t I just say no? Why can’t I just let them deal with it on their own?! I call, upset, and trying to vent, and I get an earful of their problems or I get dismissed, because they are “Too Busy” right now. Once…Just once I would LOVE to do that to someone and not feel guilty. Just once I would LOVE to say, “Sorry, I’m far too busy right now to listen to you bitch and bellyache,” and then hang up. I’d LOVE to return the favor that nearly all of them have bestowed upon me.
I spent countless hours during college in the hospital with ill friends. I don’t mind. Really I don’t. But I came to the realization the other night that were I to get hurt or become seriously ill that nobody would return the favor. No one would go out of their way to spend the night with ME in the hospital so that I won’t have to be alone. No one would bring balloons or sneak ME salt. I hate being the person that everyone comes to for resolution. I despise it sometimes.
I have had countless people cry on my shoulders. I have lifted them, encouraged them, argued and suggested and complimented and helped. I have allowed them to just cry. I tell them that it’s good to let it out and cry. There isn’t a need to be tough. Go ahead and do it. And they do. They wail and weep and mourn and I mourn with them. I take their problems onto myself and push my own back into a corner, one that is slowly spreading out and filling my entire mind. Just once, I would LOVE to be the one that falls apart. I want to be the one that is crying and being held and comforted. I want to have someone tell ME that it’s all right to cry. I don’t need to be tough.
I have woken up so many times in the middle of the night to answer my phone. I work to ebb their pains and allow them a salve that I KNOW would not be offered to me. I answer, trying to disguise my sleepiness and struggle to stay awake and solve their problems. I listen to them, offer advice, and let them take away from the sleep that my body craves. Just once I would LOVE to be able to call someone in anguish and have them listen to me, offer me a balm for my wounded heart, and try their best to help me fix my problems.
I have given people my lap…It’s a silly thing that I do where a friend sits on my lap or puts a leg onto my lap and I focus everything on them. I let them sit there and vent. Rub their arms, hold their hands and hug them, letting them know that they are loved and important and that I am there for them. And JUST ONCE I want to sit on someone else’s lap. I want to feel their hands on my shoulder, I want to feel them hold MY hands and let me rest my head on their shoulder and wet their shirts with my tears. I want to be able to just let down every single wall that I have built up…I have more layers around my heart than the earth itself has. I have built up so many walls that they’ve become impregnable…nothing goes out anymore. I have knocked down other’s walls. Brought them back to emotion and helped them to feel again. I want to be able to have someone that I don’t have to be afraid of. I want someone to knock down MY walls and tenderly show me that things will be okay.
But no one ever has. I don’t cry on people’s shoulders. I don’t call them in the middle of the night. I don’t sit on their laps or let them touch my walls. I don’t vent or cry or weep. I bite my lip, swallow my tears, and keep shoving those issues back into the corner. I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I feel like my whole life is one big joke, and all I can do is smile and be politically correct when others ask how I am. “Oh, just fine. I’m epic.” What a laugh. I stopped saying ‘good’ and started saying ‘epic’ when I knew that it was an easy way to be honest without making people uncomfortable. I don’t have to tell people that Epic means AWFUL or TERRIBLE or HEARTBREAKING. They just laugh at the absurdity of the word and move on to the next subject.
I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t want to be tough. I’m a total hypocrite and I hate it. I want to be able to take my own advice and let things out but I can’t. I just can’t. I bottle them up and even lied to my Shrink….claiming I’m fine and smiling through a lie, claiming that I don’t let people take advantage of me anymore and that I don’t feel their emotions any longer. But I still do. I still feel their frustration and pain and anger and it’s meshed with my own and I feel everything and it’s getting to the point that I can’t handle it.
I have a boyfriend that I don’t want to complain to. I wish that I could use his shoulder. I wish I could call and cry and not feel guilty or needy. I just want to be emotional and sad and allow him to let me cry. I try but for some reason, I just can’t. I can’t call him in the middle of the night because he’s a very busy individual. I need to let him have his rest and just be the piece of background furniture. I hate that so much! I want to BE important to someone. I want to be someone’s SOMEONE. I want them to WANT me to tell them my problems.
I’m so exhausted right now because of all this. Some days I drive by the airport, tempted beyond belief to just hop onto a plane going ANYWHERE and start all over again. Become a nameless person that can just have a fresh start. I want to be able to forget everything here and just be a loner. Just for a while.
There is so much more that I want to say. But just like everything else in this very long dialogue, I just can’t.
I just can’t.