A day in the life

2010-09-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

The Trials we are given
while we walk the path of life
all the tests and tribulations
all the heartache, pains and strife
Though they seem to last forever
and take everything away
They are only for a moment,
they are only for today.
Christ gives many second chances
For He wants us in His flock
He will ease our heavy burdens
He will be our steady rock
In His arms He will enfold us
In a Shepherd's warm embrace
He will whisper, "Thou hast done well"
Wipe the tears from off our face.
Life in darkness is quite scary
And you feel as though you're dead
It can feel completely hopeless
But despair's all in your head
Satan uses tools like fear and pain
to try and pull us off the track
But Christ's promise gives us hope
Because He'll always help us back

Not sure what...

2010-09-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to post.
Haha.
I'm now in TEXAS!!!!
Moved a little over a week ago, and so far, it's fab.
Rain
LOTS of things to do
Friends
and BEACHESSSSSSS
<3 Life is good

Happy birthday to me....,

2010-04-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well.
I'm too darn lazy to actually give you a step-by-step account of the blessed Lesbian Tuesday, but It was interesting to say the least.
My best friend Aubri was...well just a great bestie.
And my sweetheart, Andrew Jacob Baker....amazing. As Always.

It's been quite a while, hasn't it?

2010-04-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

In less than a week, I will be twenty.
Melina was twenty when she died.
I have dreaded this age.
No more teen years.
No more claiming that I'm just a kid.
I'll be her age. My big sister, the one who was so old, who knew exactly what she was doing in life...the one who was so mature and ready for life, is going to someday be younger than me.
That scares me. I don't like it at all.
I'm going to be an old woman and still think of Melina as older than me.
She'd have been twenty-eight this year.
I always think about how much I would have done differently had she lived,
but in reality, I think I still would've taken her for granted.
I don't talk to most of my siblings as it is.
In fact, I haven't seen a couple of them in months.
I don't want to be twenty. I'll settle for thirteen again.
Hell, I'll even take my twelfth birthday again.
Andrew's such a sweetheart.
He's taking me to Tucson even though Mom and Dad despise him. He won't even go inside because they won't allow him in the house. He loves me so much that he's willing to do that for me. Drop me off at my doorstep and leave. What a perfect boyfriend. I feel so terrible that my mother won't even let him come inside. I don't think she's being fair at all, and I think that if she just gave him a second chance that she could see what I see in him.
I love him so much.
He brings me a lot of happiness. We're best friends.
So why do I feel empty today?

So.

2009-08-12T20:58:00.001-07:00

I'm living the crazy wonderful.
Life is good.
Some ups, quite a few downs, but overall it's pretty epic.
Perhaps I should start writing more.

REGARDING THE LAST POST...

2009-07-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know how to make the pictures move around? I'd love to learn how to put certain text next to specific pictures...anyone? Thanks!!

Fourth Weeked...

2009-07-06T18:28:00.001-07:00

Well this weekend…
Hm. What to say?
Aubricame up this weekend…Super fun.

We hung out, goofed around, I introduced her to Energy drinks, and generally, we just had a good time doing what we do.
THINGS THAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEKEND:
1. There’s a reason that they’re EX BOYFRIENDS...It’s because they don’t deserve to be in our lives.
2. My friends are the best in the world. Period.
3. I’ve still got the Mayra’s Touch…Setting up couples? Easy cheesy.
4. Nothing can bring me down unless I allow it to.
5. Fourth Of July is NOT a good time to hang out with someone you haven’t spoken to in a few months.
6. Patience? A virtue…one I’ve yet to achieve.

Happy Fourth Of July!!

NEVER thought I'd say this but...

2009-06-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

Other than the heat, I'm glad to be home.
I missed my fam and knowing I'm only an hour away from them is so comforting.
I missed my Grandma and her insane amounts of lecturing.
I missed my old job WAY too much. Started today. WICKED fun.
I missed my friends. SUPER glad I kept in touch.
And I missed good ol' AZ heat. 104...what the effing dutch.
Okay so that last one was a blatant lie.
but I am SO glad to be home.

These are the days...

2009-06-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

That I will remember for the rest of my life.
I love being in Cali and I love my friends here.
I miss my family so much!! I can't go home for the weekend like in college.
I can't just drive down for the day like in Mesa. I miss my folks like crazy.
But I know that this will ready me for when I am married and can't go home to my parents when there are problems with my sweetheart. Maybe someday I'll be able to just be more independent. This job is rough but I know that there is no way that I can quit.
I'm trying to keep the faith...just gotta keep praying.

California is...

2009-06-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

-windy
-cold
-cloudy
-earthquake-y
-beautiful
-breathtaking
-incredible
-full of spectacular people
-alive.
I love it so much here! There is always something to do, I've already made TONS of friends, and I love how alive I feel!!!! I am so blessed. Life is difficult but there are so many beautiful parts to it. I get discouraged so easily but really, Life is wonderful. I can't hardly believe that this is my life sometimes. Money is tight, people can be terrible, and there are lots of things that can go wrong. But I have faith and I'm certain that my life is full and good and rich. I am blessed beyond measure. I love this world!!!!

Rising above it all..

2009-06-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

So there have been a lot of incredibly hurtful things that have been said about me in the last few months...I've just been made aware of these hurtful comments, and at first, I will admit, I was crushed. How could he lie to me for so long, pretending he cared and that he was my friend, when secretly he couldn't stand me?! How could she profess to be my bestie, when she's spreading around awful things? How could they BOTH go behind my back?? It took a lot of time alone, a large amount of it in tears, to realize that I am better than to let it destroy me. I can decide...right now...to let it go. And I have. I have let it go. It still stings to think that two of my best friends (or the people I believed to be my best friends), could be so terribly hurtful to me and so damaging to my reputation. It still aches to know that I can never return to EAC because of the awful rumors and terrible lies spread about that have so damaged other's perceptions of who I am. But I am no longer angry. I will no longer cry or let it consume me. I have a good job. I have friends here, and I have friends from EAC. Joycie has always been a true friend. Ethan has always been a true friend. I have many true friends from EAC that will continue to hold special places in my life.
The afformentioned unnamed people are still important to me. They have both requested space. I will give them both what they want, however much it might hurt me to do so. I will miss you both. However, I understand and will comply to your requests. I'd like to say that I'm glad to see you both go, but that is a lie. I am not glad to lose your friendships. I've grown a lot because of both of you, I've become a stronger person, a better person, and I've learned so much from both of you. One of you mentioned that you didn't feel as though you had benefitted me in any way by being my friend. Let me now say that you are entirely wrong. I have gained so much from our friendship. We shared so much...it hurts that you would dismiss and disregard that so easily, but I cling to those memories. The picture of us still hangs on my wall and it will remain there, a sweet memory of a best friend. The trips that we took and the escapades and Ice-capades will be sweet recollections. Bushy Toilets and the inability to wait for nine miles will always make me smile. Every time I hear the word Foliage, I am required to laugh. I will not think about the negative aspects of our friendship when I think about you. What would the point of that be? There are a lot of negative things in life...but if we were to focus all our time and attention on those negative things, what a sad, angry world this would be!! I want to think about the positives of my life. There are a lot of bad things that have happened to me...A LOT...but I do not allow them to take over and control my actions.
So friends, for now, take care of yourselves. Remember that I do care for you both so very much. I forgive you for anything that may have been said, and beg your forgiveness for anything you feel that I have wronged you in. I pray that the silence between us will be able to heal wounds and that we will be able to become friends again.
To Quote one of you..."I need you to make me a promise. I need you to promise that no matter where lie takes you, no matter what this world throws at you that you will never lose your testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. Promise me that you'll continue to go to church, that you'll marry in the temple, that you'll raise your children in the gospel, and that you'll never forget who you are and what you stand for. Eternity is a long time to be without my best friend." To her, I promise. I swore it then and I swear it now. During my darkest times in the recent past, I have clung to that promise that I had made to you months ago, promising myself that if not for my sake but for yours that I would do those things. I've slipped many times. I've made enormous mistakes, but I am certain that with time and the wonderful gift of the Atonement, that I will be able to uphold those promises. I urge you to promise those same things...if not to me, then to yourself. I do still love you, my friend. I always will and I pray for your safety and happiness.
To the other, I hope and pray that you will uphold your promise as well. I needn't write it here because you know exactly what I am talking about. Please cling to that promise, if not for yourself, then for your family, friends, and for me. I care about you so much. I always have and I always will. Please take care of yourself and do your best to find happiness in every situation that life may put you in.
Farewell for now, friends. I hope our distance is short and that the silence between us will soon be removed. But until then, Take care.
Love,
Mayra

I want...

2009-05-27T11:01:00.001-07:00

a cat...

I like new ideas!

2009-05-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been following a lot of blogs lately, so I'm going to do a round of fives...

FIVE CONFESSIONS...
1. I am SO addicted to caffeine that it frightens me sometimes.
2. When I'm hanging out with some of the Guys, I try to pretend that we're married...or at least imagine what it would be like if we were....I never do anything really, just sorta imagine it to myself.
3. I swear a LOT more than I ought to.
4. I have a LONNNNNG way to go, but I am bound, set and determined to get married in the Temple.
5. I want to have a lot of kids, but I'm terrified of messing them up.

FIVE FAVORITES
1. Stars
2. Rain...singing in it, dancing in it, running around like mad in it...
3. Lilies of almost every kind
4. Hugs
5. Singing

FIVE PET PEEVES
1. People that think that one child is a handful...and put him/her on a leash
2. Rude people of any sort
3. People that completely disregard or ignore me when I'm doing my job....UGH how annoying!
4. People that shout at their crying children and yank them by the arm...CPS!!!!!!!
5. The fact that people don't spay/neuter their animals and then dump the newborn puppies or kittens...IRRESPONSIBLE!!!!!!!

FIVE FEARS
1. Dying old and alone
2. Losing my mind
3. Making left turns!!!
4. People I love getting hurt
5. Being bitten/stung by something venomous that will REALLLLLLY hurt

FIVE THINGS I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR
1. My family
2. My religion, and my faith
3. The Atonement
4. Temples, and the work done therein
5. My friends

FIVE GOALS FOR THE FUTURE
1. Graduate college (this is a MUST!)
2. Get a Temple marriage (and continue on in the faith for-ev-errrrrr)
3. Finally get a book published
4. Maintain a clean house, establish a reading and prayer habit...
5. become successful in what I really want to do...whatever THAT is.

FIVE FAVORITE NAMES
1. Kendrick Alexander
2. Hailey Elizabeth
3. Aubri Michelle
4. Kristine Annaleise
5. Logan Elise

FIVE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED THE HARD WAY...
1. Make sure the safety lock on your pepper spray is working...it makes REALLY bad body spray...trust me.
2. Follow the warnings of the Spirit EVERY time...the FIRST TIME.
3. Your parents? They really do know what they're talking about. Pinky swear.
4. Don't expect people to pay you back...ever. If you do, you'll grow up bitter and resentful, and you'll hate people eventually. Consider anything you "loan" a gift to them.
5. Always...ALWAYS give compliments where they're due, learn to bite your tongue when there's a harsh word on the tip of it, and NEVER say "I hate you" to ANYONE, no matter how much you think you do. Cuz you don't and you WILL regret it.
Your turn!!!!!!!!

posted on Facebook after many hurtful comments were made regarding my move...

2009-05-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well. Further Clarification is in order, mainly because of how rude people have been regarding my moving.
It's not any of their business, but I don't want people to talk about me unless they've got the whole story first.
1. I am moving to Anaheim, California on May 12th.
2. It's because I have a job up there.
3. It's with ADT Home Security systems, and I will be selling door-to-door
4. They'll be paying for me to move up there, as well as my apartment.
5. It's a summer job, meaning I will unfortunately be moving back to Arizona in August.
6. More than likely, I will be returning to EAC in the fall. That's one good thing about coming back.
7. I want to spend a semester or two there, and then go to BYU-I.
Now, if it's all the same to you guys, I'd appreciate it if you were either supportive of my choices, or that you would just keep your mouths shut about it. Simply put, I will not tolerate being spoken to condescendingly. I am not a flake, and I have gone about this prayerfully and I don't want the feelings I've had regarding this move questioned. Yes, I have felt the assurance that I am doing the right thing. I've moved around quite a bit in the last year, admittedly, and to someone who doesn't understand (or who won't listen to my reasonings), it looks like I can't keep my feet on the ground. It's really nobody's business but my own, and I would absolutely LOVE to not have to explain myself to every person that I encounter.
To sum things up,
If I haven't told you about it, it's either because I haven't gotten to it yet,
I don't WANT to tell you because I know that you'll be negative,
or because I don't feel the need to explain myself to you.
Thanks for reading, please forgive me if I've offended you, and please understand my reasoning and logic.
Whew.

NOTE: Some of the comments that I received...notice that this is just a very few of them. Didn't know I meant enough to people for them to constantly criticize every single thing that I do.
"Wow you sure move around a lot."
"When are you coming back...cuz I know this won't last long."
"We've made bets...the longest we think you'll stay out there is 2 weeks"
"Man,when are you going to stop being a flake?"
"There's a boy there, huh? I bet that's why you're moving."
"Is the job the ONLY reason you're going? Bet there's a boy up there."
"You know, guys don't really like girls that are as indecisive. it's quite a turn off."
"All this moving around makes you look stupid."
"You'll never find a husband if you don't stay in one place long enough to meet people."
Thanks, to all who've made those comments. It makes me even more determined to leave you behind. And furthermore, I feel a small triumph knowing that I'm getting out of this horrible state and you're stuck. Jealous much? I know that a lot of the people that are the most cruel and least supportive are the ones that crave my feather-complex. I'm part Gypsy, Part RSS, and Part awesome. And you wish you could do what I do. XP
I know what I'm doing is right, as I said, and I'm not asking anyone for their input any more. I've got my own road, I'm proud of myself, and I know that I'm on the right path.

ON ANOTHER NOTE,
Thanks to everyone that really HAS been supportive. I really appreciate that you really do love and care about me. Words cannot express my gratitude to you. It helps me to have faith in myself. You guys are AWESOME!

Oh, my. I ought to change the title of my blog to "Thoghts of a Flake"

2009-05-01T14:49:00.001-07:00

SO.
After much prayer, fasting, and counsel from people I trust, I decided not to go to Utah. I prayed that the Lord would provide, and had faith that he would.
Well.
I was offered a VERY promising job in California...Anaheim to be exact.
They're paying for my housing, my move up there, transportation...etc.
I am THRILLED. There is no other way to explain how I feel. Peaceful, happy...I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing.
I will be moving to California on either the 11th or the 12 of May, which is in two weeks.
I've never been so excited before in my life. And it's not anything that I've worried about. I have complete faith that this will work. I know it will!
I love the Gospel!!!!!

I sure am blessed!!!

2009-04-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

So last night, a little over 24 hours ago, I was in a car accident.
I was hit head on while making a left turn by a woman who didn't have her lights on.
I didn't see anyone for nearly a quarter mile, and I was stopped completely, and she hit me going forty five.
I was wearing my seatbelt. I have the most unladylike bruises....
EXTENT OF INJURIES:
massive internal bruising, bruised ribs, bruised sternum, bruised legs and torso
and a very sore body from that danged board. I can walk but it hurts, and breathing is pretty exhausting as well.
BUT.
I am SO blessed. The other driver walked away unharmed, and I walked out of the hospital.
I went to see the car today. I'm SO grateful that there was nobody riding with me. the engine is pretty much sitting on the passenger side seat. I had to break into the trunk to get stuff out. But I am super blessed. I am alive, and I'm going to be just fine.
The Lord has spared me countless times. I have almost died in many ways and many circumstances. To me, that's a testimony of the fact that I have a plan that I need to work hard to fulfill here first. I don't know what it is, but I'm certain I will find out.

Good Gravy. AGAIN?!?!

2009-04-03T09:55:00.001-07:00

I have a boyfriend again. I keep doing this to myself. I suppose this means that I’m still not comfortable in my own skin. The boys that I date are below me for the most part. I know that, and yet I continue to allow myself to be kissed and touched, feigning attraction when I know that it is only a matter of time before things turn sour. I don’t really want to be with the people I spend time around. I know that I ought to be going to church functions. I should be associating with people that are LDS, spending time with those that I know could potentially take me to the temple.
Perhaps the reason that I’m so hesitant to do so is because I’m secretly afraid that I will really fall in love. The boys that I spend time with are safe. I don’t have to worry about falling in love. And even if I were to fall in love, I can just pull out my Mormon card and end things. This is my safety net. With the boys that I am with now, I don’t have to worry about being hurt. I can end things and move on. Mormon boys have the potential to destroy me. I am not willing to allow that.
Someday, I will date the type of guys that I truly want to date….Strong, handsome, tall and open. They won’t WANT to kiss me on the first date, or even the second or third. They’ll appreciate who I am and who I dream of becoming. Someday I will find one such individual in particular. He’ll stand out above the rest and be better than my wildest imaginations. He’ll make me laugh and inspire me to dream. He’ll want me to pursue my passions and allow me room to grow and soar. And we will be the happiest couple the world has ever known. He won’t want to dominate or push me around. I will be his equal and there will be no leaders or followers. I want to find him so badly, and it frightens me to think that perhaps he’s already out there looking for me, and he sees me holding hands with these guys that I feign attraction to and gets discouraged.
Hold on, My Someone! Don’t allow my childish antics and Post-High School-High School relationships to dissuade you from trying! Please keep the faith and hold on…for both of us. I’ll need your strength so much in the next few years. Be strong for me. Because at the moment, I’m nowhere near you in strength.

Hi there!

2009-03-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't written in quite a while. Things are going very well. I have a new job...Ultimately, it's the same job I had before, except with more hours, a little less pay, better people, and a lot more fun.
I'm going to brag for just a few seconds....
I've done astonishingly well for the last week.
Our percentages are meant to be VERRRY low. I guess it's the work accomplished to time spent accomplishing said work ratio or something similar. Production rate I suppose.
thirty is average.
Twenty is exceptional and people rarely make that low.
In the last week, I got 17.87 which is unheard of.
It was good both for my ego and for the guys who were slacking a little, because they worked extra hard, if not just to beat me. Yesterday, we did VERY well. I think I did seventeen or eighteen surveys, if not more. They were a blast. I love days that just zoom by because I am so busy!!!

NUMERO SIXTY!

2009-03-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

So since this is the sixtieth blog, I figured that I would write sixty things about the Mayralicious that we all know and love.
1. I know that i am a daughter of Heavenly Father. He loves me and I am blessed. I have been given so many talents and I am trying hard to utilize them.

2. I love to sing. I love music and singing and the joy that it brings to me.

3. I actually stopped singing for almost two years and it was TERRIBLE. But I think that i needed it to realize just how important it is to my life.

4. I want to be in college SOOOO badly right now. I wasted a whole semester and I kick myself every time I hear about people that are in college.

5. I love to write in journals but I procrastinate and don't get around to it.

6. I also LOVE to write letters. At one time, I had pen pals in three states and four different countries.

7. I love receiving letters almost more than sending them out.

8. I love my family a whole bunch...even though we fight, we're messy and loud, and my neighbor down the street once commented that he wasn't sure just how many people REALLY were living there because he'd seen about thirty people or so that were "re-occuring Characters" in our crazy lives.

9. I'm adopted. Sometimes I wonder about my birth family but then I remember how great my REAL family is and I'm totally happy with what I've been given =]

10. I want to find a fairy-tale romance, but I would HATE to be a wimpy princess. Snow white?! SLEPT. Sleeping Beauty? Self-explanatory. Even Cinderella had someone take care of her. I'd rather be like Mulan or Pocahontas.

11. I want to be married in the Temple and I will settle for nothing less.

12. I'm pretty self-conscious at times but I know that I'm pretty most days so it's all good. I also try to be as friendly and awesome as possible. That makes up for all the things I'm insecure about.

13. I LOOOOOVE to help people.

14. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE setting up couples. Call me Hitch. Or Yenta! Right? Of Course Right!!

15. I love to laugh and I try to keep humor alive. Nearly everything can be helped a little with humor.

16. I want a dog VERY badly.

17. I'm addicted to caffeine, texting, and my computer.

18. I love to do crafts....Crochet, painting, even coloring with Crayons.

19. I love making lists.

20. I use the word Love waaaaayyy too often.

21. I discovered that I am allergic to dust. Dang.

22. I secretly adore cleaning.

23. But I HATE doing laundry!!!!

24. I write about really deep stuff and then get nervous because of how deep it is so I start talking about cats.

25. I'm a voracious reader.

26. I have workaholic tendencies so I try to be verrrry careful. I can literally make myself sick from over-working myself.

27. Secretly, I'm still a little bit afraid of Eggs....and fish.

28. I'm not afraid of much else. Which is ridiculous.

29. I want to be a mommy really badly....and then I hear all the REALLY whiny kids misbehaving in the mall or Wal*Mart and two things go through my head....One, I'm SOOOO grateful that my Mom was very strict and never allowed temper tantrums in public, and two, "Wow I'm glad I don't have kids yet!!!"

30. MY mother is the best in the whole world. Just so you know.

31. I wanted to Marry the most patient guy in the world, but there are two that I know that are competing for the same spot and they're both taken...My dad, and My Grandpa Halcomb, who is BY FAR the most patient person I've ever met in my LIFE!!!

32. I have RSS. Which is a self-diagnosed illness that is properly called Restless Soul Syndrome. It means that I've got to move around because I'm a glove and my Spirit goes crazy at night if I stay still for too long. I have to be walking or pacing or driving. I have a whole vignette about it but it's too lengthy to go into here.

33. I LOVE to write. I write poetry and short vignettes and I want to be a REAL writer someday.

34. I'm almost nineteen and I still really haven't made a concrete decision as to what I want to do with my life.

35. I have a job that drives me up the wall.

36. My favorite smells are: Freshly baked bread (especially Gingerbread!!), Arizona Rains, Men's Cologne (when worn in small doses), and for some odd reason, Gasoline.

37. My favorite colors are Green, purple, and Blue.

38. I know that most people HATE living in an apartment, but I REALLY want to live in one. I'm sure I'll feel differently when I actually do live in one, but I LOVED the dorms.

39. I have my whole life planned out and it's really funny cuz I write out a "Life Plan" about once a year and I go back and read them and almost die laughing. Every single time, I have a different opinion about who I want to marry.

40. I adore going on dates.

41. It always impresses me when a guy asks me out or for my number. That takes guts. Even if I'm not terribly interested, I almost always say yes because I really admire their bravery. That sounds sorta vain....wait....

42. It also really impresses me when a guy goes out of his way to do something interesting or different for a date or for asking for one.

43. I've been proposed to WAAAYYY too many times. But when the Right Guy asks me, I'll tell him I said no to all the others because I just KNEW that he would be coming.

44. I'm secretly terrified that I may never get married. I know it's an illogical fear. But I'm still afraid.

45. I love watching spooky movies...Especially old ones. The newer ones are either too gory or they throw in a lot of immorality.

46. I get distracted VERY easily.

47. I want to be a better Scrapbooker but I don't have the time, money, or Materials.

48. I LOVE making blankets for other people.

49. I push the snooze button about eight times, so I have to set my alarm like an hour and a half earlier than I really need to get up.

50. I take a LOT of pictures, but I'm not a very photogenic person in my opinion.

51. To compensate for that lack of photogenicity(is that a word?!), I take a LOT of goofy pictures.

52. I know next to nothing about taxes and I worry about having to deal with them every year for the rest of my life.

53. I realized that I am an adult...and it sorta scared me.

54. My friends are the best! They mean the whole world to me, and I would do ANYTHING for them!!

55. I have NO inhibitions about going up to people and introducing myself. That could probably get me into trouble someday.

56. I LOVE pickles!

57. I've started working out and it's difficult but I'm already seeing results!!

58. I act very goofy and ditzy, but I am a very intelligent person. I have been blessed with a sound and good mind and the ability to learn. And I am SO grateful for that.

59. I'm a very bubbly, warm person and as much as I talk, I'm also a WONDERFUL listener. And I give pretty good advice too.

60. I actually really enjoyed doing this!! You should write sixty things about yourself too!!!!

<3 <3 <3 Mayralicious!!!!

Incredibly long. Terribly honest. And totally painful.

2009-03-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

I CONSTANTLY feel like an annoyance to people. It’s disgusting that I spend the majority of my time solving EVERYONE ELSE’S problems, and when I need someone, they’re all too busy or don’t feel like listening to me. I feel like a waste of time to them. But as SOON as they need someone, I allow myself to be used over and over again.
Why Can’t I just say no? Why can’t I just let them deal with it on their own?! I call, upset, and trying to vent, and I get an earful of their problems or I get dismissed, because they are “Too Busy” right now. Once…Just once I would LOVE to do that to someone and not feel guilty. Just once I would LOVE to say, “Sorry, I’m far too busy right now to listen to you bitch and bellyache,” and then hang up. I’d LOVE to return the favor that nearly all of them have bestowed upon me.
I spent countless hours during college in the hospital with ill friends. I don’t mind. Really I don’t. But I came to the realization the other night that were I to get hurt or become seriously ill that nobody would return the favor. No one would go out of their way to spend the night with ME in the hospital so that I won’t have to be alone. No one would bring balloons or sneak ME salt. I hate being the person that everyone comes to for resolution. I despise it sometimes.
I have had countless people cry on my shoulders. I have lifted them, encouraged them, argued and suggested and complimented and helped. I have allowed them to just cry. I tell them that it’s good to let it out and cry. There isn’t a need to be tough. Go ahead and do it. And they do. They wail and weep and mourn and I mourn with them. I take their problems onto myself and push my own back into a corner, one that is slowly spreading out and filling my entire mind. Just once, I would LOVE to be the one that falls apart. I want to be the one that is crying and being held and comforted. I want to have someone tell ME that it’s all right to cry. I don’t need to be tough.
I have woken up so many times in the middle of the night to answer my phone. I work to ebb their pains and allow them a salve that I KNOW would not be offered to me. I answer, trying to disguise my sleepiness and struggle to stay awake and solve their problems. I listen to them, offer advice, and let them take away from the sleep that my body craves. Just once I would LOVE to be able to call someone in anguish and have them listen to me, offer me a balm for my wounded heart, and try their best to help me fix my problems.
I have given people my lap…It’s a silly thing that I do where a friend sits on my lap or puts a leg onto my lap and I focus everything on them. I let them sit there and vent. Rub their arms, hold their hands and hug them, letting them know that they are loved and important and that I am there for them. And JUST ONCE I want to sit on someone else’s lap. I want to feel their hands on my shoulder, I want to feel them hold MY hands and let me rest my head on their shoulder and wet their shirts with my tears. I want to be able to just let down every single wall that I have built up…I have more layers around my heart than the earth itself has. I have built up so many walls that they’ve become impregnable…nothing goes out anymore. I have knocked down other’s walls. Brought them back to emotion and helped them to feel again. I want to be able to have someone that I don’t have to be afraid of. I want someone to knock down MY walls and tenderly show me that things will be okay.
But no one ever has. I don’t cry on people’s shoulders. I don’t call them in the middle of the night. I don’t sit on their laps or let them touch my walls. I don’t vent or cry or weep. I bite my lip, swallow my tears, and keep shoving those issues back into the corner. I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I feel like my whole life is one big joke, and all I can do is smile and be politically correct when others ask how I am. “Oh, just fine. I’m epic.” What a laugh. I stopped saying ‘good’ and started saying ‘epic’ when I knew that it was an easy way to be honest without making people uncomfortable. I don’t have to tell people that Epic means AWFUL or TERRIBLE or HEARTBREAKING. They just laugh at the absurdity of the word and move on to the next subject.
I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t want to be tough. I’m a total hypocrite and I hate it. I want to be able to take my own advice and let things out but I can’t. I just can’t. I bottle them up and even lied to my Shrink….claiming I’m fine and smiling through a lie, claiming that I don’t let people take advantage of me anymore and that I don’t feel their emotions any longer. But I still do. I still feel their frustration and pain and anger and it’s meshed with my own and I feel everything and it’s getting to the point that I can’t handle it.
I have a boyfriend that I don’t want to complain to. I wish that I could use his shoulder. I wish I could call and cry and not feel guilty or needy. I just want to be emotional and sad and allow him to let me cry. I try but for some reason, I just can’t. I can’t call him in the middle of the night because he’s a very busy individual. I need to let him have his rest and just be the piece of background furniture. I hate that so much! I want to BE important to someone. I want to be someone’s SOMEONE. I want them to WANT me to tell them my problems.
I’m so exhausted right now because of all this. Some days I drive by the airport, tempted beyond belief to just hop onto a plane going ANYWHERE and start all over again. Become a nameless person that can just have a fresh start. I want to be able to forget everything here and just be a loner. Just for a while.
There is so much more that I want to say. But just like everything else in this very long dialogue, I just can’t.
I just can’t.

That's a long while...

2009-03-17T10:02:00.001-07:00

So I realized that it's been like two weeks since I wrote in this blog. dang.
Forget the Dateless in Mesa thing...
Grant and I got back together instead.
He makes me happy.
Inexplicable. Dunno how to describe it at all and that bothers me
I hate not being able to explain myself.
Eloquence is my strong point.
So why Am I at such a loss for words???????

Figured I'd throw this in for kicks and giggles

2009-03-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Humanitarian	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Family drive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Honor	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Thriftiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

For Elder Garbett

2009-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

HERE is Elder Zachary Ryan Jones.
He;s the one on the far left.

Just for Schuyler.

2009-02-26T22:19:00.001-08:00

This will be removed, lest a few sweet girls see their gifts too soon!!! The green is for Aimee, The Pink is for Sweet Libby, and I have yet to make the Rosey Pink for Sister Tolman. AND if ELDER TOLMAN would flipping tell me whether Jordan Lives with them, I think another scarf will be in order!! lol

My Plan of Salvation Analogy

2009-02-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking a lot. And I came up with this in Institute a while back and now I have written it down to remember. This is my Uhhh, It's A Rock vs. Yay, I'm a Seed! Analogy. This is how I wrote it down and shared it with a good friend of mine.
Okay. Satan had a plan. It sounded pretty good, right? Well we'd all GET bodies. And we'd all end up back with Heavenly Father (theoretically, of course).
But we wouldn't grow or learn or sin or have any reason for repentance or the Atonement. And what would we be? The same as always.
rocks

Christ. He had such a beautiful plan...
We start out about the same as a rock.
But with Infinite potential. The ability to grow and be nurtured and become a HUGE Redwood.
Some of us might fall onto hard times and turn away from the sunlight. But if we fill our minds and spirits with the Holy Ghost, with the teachings of the Gospel, and turn towards the Sunlight of Christ, we will have infinite potential.
And trees don't just stop at the huge big leafy things with massive trunks either!
Oh, no.
They also produce seeds. which also have infinite potential. They have the ability to become other trees. And by doing so, the first tree, the once very small little seed...can be eternal.
And another thing that I love to liken to the Gospel is that with Plants, sometimes you forget to water or take them out into the sunlight.
And they start to wilt.
But you can almost always revive them. Just like the plants, if we don't feed our spirits, we start to wilt. But unlike plants, which sometimes die after too much time in the dry dark, we always have the opportunity to revive, if we just turn to the Lord.
I love that concept. It really is never too late.

2009-02-11T08:52:00.001-08:00

WELL CRAP. First off, whilst typing the title page, I managed to mess up my screen so I can't see the task bar. curse me for managing to do something I can't reverse. DANG IT!

AND second, the reason I decided to post was because, well, I have an issue again. Seems all I ever do is rant and rave but it's what happens.

I have a boyfriend. again. DANG IT!
I realized AFTER saying yes that I don't WANT to be in a relationship. not with him anyway. He's got nothing I want...He doesn't ever want to get married, hates kids, and despises religion. I like him a lot, but he and I are at different places in life. He's smart...INCREDIBLY smart, and has a wonderful sense of humor. I love to just sit next to him and talk. He really LISTENS to me. He tells me everything...bares his soul to me and I love it. It makes me feel so special and needed.

BUT.

He isn't Mormon...not in the least. I have NO problem dating nonmembers. I know I will ONLY marry in the temple, and besides....I'm WAY too young to start thinking marriage just yet. Not only does he not want to ever get married, but he doesn't think it's that important anyway. He'd rather me move in and just be his girlfriend than get married and potentially have a failed marriage. I think that is just about the most stupid thing I've ever heard. He thinks a party and a piece of paper is the definition of a wedding. I wanted to cry when he said that. He's not religious though so how could I explain it? I just changed the subject. It's not like I'd marry him anyway. There are other issues involved that I really don't feel like delving into over the internet. But it still really bothers me and he doesn't seem to get it.

In actuality, I don't want a boyfriend right now. I need to focus on my job right now. I need to prep myself for what's ahead. But I hate to lose his friendship and the companionship we share. I guess it's stupid but I both love and hate being single. Being single means that I can go out on a lot of dates, I can spend time with a lot of people, and I don't have to focus on one person. But it also means that sometimes I just gotta kick it solo. I don't MIND being alone, but I prefer to spend time with people. BUT. When I'm with a guy, I like being called, held, just TALKED to. I love it when people TALK to me. In fact, I love talking, but I love listening even more. I guess I'm still just not ready. But I don't want to hurt him and it would kill me to lose his friendship. =[
aejw;gohye;orifuje;irj'pihet;gowetoauhgz

ANNNND I HATE VALENTINES DAY!!!!! >>>>>--VALENTINE'S DAY---->

Update time.

2009-01-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

-no news on Anthony yet. I have a firm suspicion he's hiding out with a friend somewhere.
-Still no job. Praying things will look up.
-signed up for five institute classes.
-HUGE progress in the whole no dating thing......I'm still GOING on dates, but I have decided that I won't really rush into anything serious any time soon. I need to figure out my own stuff before throwing a guy into the mix.
-I've been trying to pray more. I've noted many things that are going more in my benefit. =]
-guys are freaks.
-OH! Dead serious question here....Did you know that you aren't supposed to ask people if they need rides here?!?!?! It's fine in Tucson (usually) and in Thatcher (nearly always), but not here. I'm WAYYYY too naiive for my own good. =]
-nor are you allowed to walk around the temple at night if you value your life. Apparently it's a rough side of town.

Who can explain it, who can tell you why?

2009-01-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

So this morning, I woke up feeling calm. Then I remembered that Anthony was gone, and I expected that gut wrenching, heart tearing feeling that i experienced when I woke the day after Melina died...For the first few weeks I was afraid of even going to bed because forgetting about it and sleeping meant even greater heartache when i awoke. I readied myself, expecting a wave of grief again. But this time, there was nothing like that. I felt only calm peace. I know that whatever happens, things are going to be okay. I'm still worried sick about it. I'm terrified about what the future may bring, but I know that things are going to turn out right.
Thank you for your prayers! I know that the Lord has a hand in all things and I and my family have felt it in ours in the last day and a half.

Now I'm scared.

2009-01-19T19:58:00.000-08:00

I really need you to pray for my family. We're going through a very difficult time now.
My brother ran away today.
His name is Anthony and he's seventeen.
I'm so scared right now....I don't know if he'll be back or when, and I'm so worried about him. I'm trying hard not to let it consume everything, but right now, I'm so frightened and hurt that I can barely think! It's not totally sunk in yet...a part of me feels like he'll come back soon but the most part of me is torn up and screaming because I don't think he'll ever come home. I'm so afraid for him now.
I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is when Melina died. It's different though, because when she died, I knew. Even before I was told, I knew.
Right now, I have no knowledge other than the fact that he is gone. There is a messy, unoccupied room and a bed that might never be slept in again. I think the most difficult part is the unsurity. I'm so scared and it hurts so much!!!
There was a party. I should have just picked him up like I usually do, but this time, Mom got involved.
He was arrested and turned back over to us.
And then he left.
He blamed everything on me. Said that it was my fault he was caught. I know that it isn't, but for some reason I feel at least partially responsible. He needs help. I thought that maybe ratting him out would provide him with the help that he needs. But it didn't do anything! I hate the police sometimes. They don't do anything. They KNEW he was a flight risk. Why couldn't they just hold him overnight or something?! He obviously needs a wake-up call.
I don't know where he is or who he's with, but he can only stay away for so long without being caught.
I just hope that when they do find him, he's still alive.

INTENSE FRUSTRATION IS MINE!!!

2009-01-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

NEVERMIND!
EVERYTHING IS FIXED!
orrrrr thereabouts.
Still got a few bugs to work out.
But i think we'll be okay
=] resolution is so sweet!!

Welllll

2009-01-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

Hm.
That didn't turn out the way I had planned!
More details to follow eventually.
AND
I have never realized how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends. I am grateful beyond explanation for the people the Lord has brought into my life in varying ways. Some of them are pretty wonky ways but all the friends that I have are significant and bring something to my life that is irreplaceable.
I love you guys!

So

2008-12-25T05:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a bit.
I guess it's safe to say that my life is going to change big time in the next few days.
and I'm pretty nervous.
gotta go pack.

Why Bother?

2008-12-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Wow.

2008-12-09T18:40:00.001-08:00

So the dance was interesting.
To say the verrrry least.
Levi is incredible. He is one of the greatest guys I've ever met. I love to talk to him...He's terribly funny and just seems to understand me. I love that he isn't mushy or gross like that and that he's real. After having people fawn all over me in the last little bit here, It's a relief. I would write more regarding Levi, but since he is sitting right behind me, I probably should just leave it at that. =]
the dance itself was great. I had a blast just being in Levi's arms and showing him off to my Tucson people. He looked so handsome in his suit and I'm not gonna lie, I looked pretty hot myself. I loved the way I felt in the dress, although it was a tad too tight because I can sure afford to lose ten or fifty pounds =D
There was an awful lot of drama and strive leading up to the whole dance but overall, I had so much fun! I had a bit of a tiff with one of my friends that left me in tears, another occurance that left me thirsty for the blood of another, and heartbreak over something that happened to the third at the hands of the second. It's complicated, I know, but it was interesting.

On a completely different note.
I have to earn four THOUSAND dollars by January if I'm going to go to the Ukraine like planned. I'm so nervous about leaving now!!
It's ironic the turns and twists that my life has taken. If things had all gone according to plans, I would have been married by now. I wouldn't be in Arizona, much less Thatcher. I would have done so many things differently, and I'm not too sure if I would be as happy as I am now.
I have learned so many lessons in my life. Some were easy to learn and didn't hurt very much. Others were like trying to remove teeth with a Philips screwdriver. In the last three days or so, I've seriously evaluated my life. Where I'm at as opposed to where I was a year ago this time. Last year, this time, I was trying to mend my broken life after one of the most crushingly painful disappointments I've ever experienced. I was slacking in High school and disregarding the advice and warning counsel of my YW leaders. A year ago, I was preparing myself for some of the biggest changes in my life thus far. I was deciding what I would do, and I was convinced I knew exactly what I wanted. Seven months ago, I nearly lost every dream that I had decided that I was set on. I didn't get to walk in graduation, which was a humiliating failure. My mother, the sweet, gentle woman she is, told me that she was ashamed to call me her daughter. She told me that she had wasted the last eighteen years of her life on a complete loser. "You may as well just run off and get married to the first bum that you find, since that's all you'll amount to," were her comforting words of advice. *sarcasm* So I worked three times harder than I have ever worked in my life to get my diploma. I took summer school and got the highest grade in the class. Take THAT, Stensrud!!!
Six months ago, I was engaged. I was ready to drop every dream that I had formed of going to Russia or to College at EA for the boy that I was certain was the right man for me. I was so prepared to do whatever it took just to get married. But I got scared. A nightmare and a shocking remembrance of the pains that I had suffered at the hands of another sent me running full speed for the hills. August came and I ran away from my problems, and into the comforting town of Thatcher. There I met some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I've learned so much about myself and about who I am as a person. I've got a lot of growing to do, but I've also grown more than I ever imagined possible. In my wildest dreams I never would have thought that I would be at the place that I find myself today, surrounded by the people that I have come to love dearly.
I know so much more about my faith. I have a very firm testimony in the Lord, and His plans for me. I know that the things that I have been taught since birth will be the things that if adhered to will bring me true joy and happiness. I know that sinning is the surest way to bring heartache and pain. But I also know that Repentance is real and the power thereof is so strong. I have been relieved of pain that I never imagined that I could endure. I have come to realize how weak, how fallable and small we as humans are. It astonishes me that I managed to live for two full years without the Spirit. I turned my back on all that I had been taught, believing it to be a hindrance, a roadblock to happiness and fun. It wasn't until I reached the darkest point in my life that I finally turned to the Lord in desperation, pleading for salve to ease the ache that filled my soul. And He gave me that relief. He allowed me to suffer so that I would know how sweet the soothing balm of His Spirit truly was. I know that the Holy Ghost has so many facets. I've had the gift of the Holy Ghost since I was eight, but I guess I never really looked at the Holy Ghost's GIFTS. When I felt most alone, on nights when I couldn't sleep and the pain seemed unbearable, I was given a companion. On days when I felt the most excruciating suffocation of the world's pressures closing in around me, I felt my burden lightened. When I was unsure of myself, I was given a Witness of the divinity from whence I came. When I felt lost and afraid, I was comforted by the assurance that I was loved and that things would ALWAYS work out. I have grown intellectually throught the Patient tutoring of the Holy Ghost.
So, I guess my ramblings aren't totally nonsensical, nor do they make total coherent sense either.
Just like me.
But I know more about who I am and what makes me that way.
Annnnd I'm tired

AHHHH I AM SO EXCITED!!!

2008-12-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the DANCE!!!!
ANDDDD.
Last night I had several answers to prayers.
I know what I am doing next semester for sure...
I will be moving to the Ukraine to teach English!
I leave the US on January 14th and won't return until June 4th.
I'm terrified and excited and nervous all at once!!!

ON the bright side, however...

2008-12-01T04:35:00.000-08:00

There is A DANCE on FRIDAY
and LEVI and I are going!!!
And I AM EXCITED!!!!!!

=]

Two Flipping weeks

2008-12-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

And I will no longer be an EAC student.
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
I will miss this place so much more than I ever thought possible.
All the friends I have gained and the wonderful experiences I have had.
There were a few times when I wanted to just quit and come home for good.
But I never did and I'm proud of the fact that I held out.
But it's still sad that it's almost over.
Why does life have to go so fast now that I'm ready to enjoy it?

What I want in a Husband!!!

2008-11-23T14:40:00.000-08:00

1. Intelligent
2. Supporting
3. Caring
4. Kind
5. Asks Daddy if he can marry me first
6. Sporadic
7. Romantic
8. Loving
9. Helpful
10. Happy
11. Faithful
12. Loves me
13. Prays
14. RM
15. Does the dishes
16. Patient
17. Willing to serve
18. Opens up to me
19. Compromises
20. Cooks
21. Strives for perfection
22. Musically talented
23. Attends meetings
24. In college
25. Says “I Love You”
26. Decent job
27. Calls just to talk
28. Handsome
29. Bears his testimony
30. Not TOO shy
31. Sympathetic to others
32. Wants to talk
33. Listens to me
34. Talks to our children
35. WANTS children
36. Holds my hand
37. Good with kids
38. Loves his sisters
39. Treats his mother well
40. Likes animals
41. Wants to go to church
42. Reads scriptures
43. Loves FHE
44. Hates bloodshed
45. Worthy to attend the Temple
46. Slightly clean and organized
47. Like Moroni
48. Respects me
49. Writes little notes
50. Says Thank you
51. Asks for my input
52. Loves to go out
53. Loves the outdoors
54. Willing to stay in and just talk
55. Not too clingy
56. Has other friends
57. Worthy Priesthood USER
58. Affectionate
59. Loves hiking
60. Loves camping
61. Doesn’t back down or let me dominate
62. Holds my waist
63. Hugs me from behind
64. Uses pet names
65. Gives good advice
66. Cries occasionally
67. Not afraid to cry with the Spirit
68. Good with my friends
69. Supportive of my dreams
70. Positive
71. Upbeat
72. Prepared
73. Regularly Attends the Temple
74. Loves to talk about his mission
75. Wakes me up with a kiss
76. Says Hello and Goodbye
77. Hugs me as soon as he gets home
78. Want s to come home
79. Good kisser
80. Gets along with my family

Time: Seven Eleven AM

2008-11-22T06:11:00.000-08:00

Wow...
So on Wednesday I was pretty bummed.
Because of a bum.
And so my friends Ethan, Dayna and Joyce and I went to Mesa.
Just for Kicks and giggles.
And we wound up at the Temple.
At Two in the morning.
I am a very eloquent individual.
But words are insufficient to describe the feelings I have towards that sacred place.
Peace is an understatement.
I learned things even from just being on the outside of the gate.
Looking in the Visitor's Center at the Christus gave me such comfort.
This is why I love the Gospel!!

Shopping Carts, Broken Hearts, and Smashed Fingers.

2008-11-19T00:16:00.000-08:00

Can I say more?
I guess not.

2008-11-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Things are working in my favor
I'm happy! I'm ready to be patient.
Life is going so well.
things are falling so easily into place.
I am so excited.

Is it Possible...

2008-11-05T23:23:00.001-08:00

to be this fickle?
I am such a crazy girl. I can't even begin to fathom what life will be like when I am married and can't flirt with everything.
Hopefully things will pan themselves out.
No more talking about boys!
AH I'm such a crazy girl!

SOOOOO

2008-11-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

I'm moving to Tucson on December 13th!!!! I'm so excited.

soooooo

2008-10-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

I had a reallllly scary dream about Chris...
FIRST OFF, Last night we had a bit of a falling out and I went to bed still angry with him. he said he'd call me and he never did and we'd already been upset with each other, me because he didn't come to my concert (that in itself was fine. It was just hard because I was really excited about seeing him. And for the final program, nobody came to see me at all. It sounds very selfish of me, but it hurts when you're the only person in the entire choir program that didn't have anyone come to the concert to see me. for not one, but TWO concerts. Thursday, a lot of my friends came A lot of my friends came, which I am very grateful for, but the fact that my parents or family didn't come was pretty hard to swallow. Chris is pretty much still one of my closest friends and I'm VERY much still in love with him.)
I came home and my mom handed me the phone, saying that someone wanted to talk to me. i said hello and someone on the other side said that Chris had died. I asked who it was and they wouldn't tell me. just that he had died.
I called his brother (which is strange because i don't even have his number) and he said that I had made him sick because we had argued and then he told me that Chris had died from exactly the same thing that Melina had...And that it was my fault...again. that it was my fault because fighting with him had made him sick. but this time i KNEW it really was. I was so freaked out but i didn't believe him so i turned on the TV and the news was talking about him dying and showed lots of pictures of him. I kept trying over and over to call him but his phone wasn't working and i was so frightened that I guess I woke up screaming
My poor roommate. she's got such patience. I was so scared. I called my father to cry about a bad dream. I still need my daddy. I also called Chris, and we talked a little bit and he was pretty worried about me but I'm fine knowing that he's all right.
I guess that It's all good. I was just freaked out. I guess that means that i'm still in love with Chris and i guess i may still not be over Melina's death.

AH MY HEART!

2008-10-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

So this last little bit has been interesting. I didn't know things could be so insane. I guess this just means that I have a lot more growing to do first. I'm sure that something better is out there. Maybe we're just not right for each other anymore. But saying that still doesn't make it hurt any less. I know that my faith is what's keeping me sane right now, and that the knowledge that I'm a Daughter of God is what is holding my life together. I'm sure that the Lord has something or someone much different and better in store for me. And that does help a little
But why does it have to be like this? Three times now I have been sure that I was right. I prayed and meditated on it for such a long time. So why was I wrong again?! I thought that he felt the same for me. He showed me that he loved me, told me that he loved me. What could change that?! Was it something that I did?
What worries me most is the fact that I feel okay already. Does that mean I’m still numb or am I truly okay with it? Is it possible to be okay with this? I just hope that this won’t screw over my future relationships.
I need to go to sleep.

We're baaaack!!

2008-10-14T11:16:00.001-07:00

This has been THE best weekend of my LIFE! It was amazing!!!!!
I'm busy or I'd write a loooong story, but for now, just agree that it was incredible.

Quick update

2008-10-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

AHH So much to do, so little time. two and a half hours till departure. WE're going to CALIFORNIA!!!!!!
I feel REALLLLLY bad about pretending to be drunk and frightening Joe and Ryan. I was kidding, and in a sense it sort of offends me that they believed me. A, I'm not stupid enough to drink in the first place, and B, even if I was, do you HONESTLY thing that I would drive???? Come on, guys. That makes me pretty sad that you'd think I'm stupid enough to do that. you know me better than that. I do appreciate that you care, but still. ME?! drink?!?!?!? Dummmmb.
New guy. Dominic. Really Like him. Kind of a lot.
and he's a great kisser. *blushes*
Sometimes I wonder who reads this. Which makes me nervous. I almost hope that nobody does because of how intimate I make all of my journals. But at the same time, it's sorta cool to know that people can read my journal and get to know me better.
anyway, peace out. gotta go pack!!!!!

wrote this last night...

2008-10-05T23:37:00.001-07:00

I’ve been reading my mother’s journal. Wrong, I know. An invasion of privacy. But it has opened my eyes and made me realize what it is that I love so much about my mother. We’re exactly the same. We were so similar growing up (our personalities more than our circumstances) that it’s eerie. I love her so much right now and it makes me pretty sad that I won’t be living with her ever again. I wonder if that’s something I will be sad about for the rest of my life. I miss my daddy. And my mother. Sometimes I envy Skye, Sierra, and yes, sometimes even Monique. They’ve got eight, ten, even twenty more years. I don’t think I gave my parents enough credit when I was living with them. I’m a tough person to live with and they (more or less patiently) tolerated me for a bit over eighteen years.
Sometimes I wonder what they thought or talked about as they dropped me off for college. Did Mom cry? Did Daddy swallow hard, trying to hold back his emotion? Did they sigh a breath of relief, secure in the knowledge that I was out of their hair? I think they talked about me, laughing as they reminisced about how much I’ve grown and how proud of me they are. I miss them a lot sometimes, and it makes me feel a little guilty that I haven’t been calling and e-mailing them as often as I should. I wonder sometimes what our family reunions will be like ten years from now. I’ll have four kids and a great husband, Marsi will have had at least one or two and her sweet husband will be stroking her swollen, pregnant belly as they discuss baby names. Anthony will (I hope) have cleaned up and married a pretty girl, probably Kristi. Skye and Sierra will have graduated high school, Monique will have graduated and works at Safeway or Wal-Mart and is satisfied and happy with her life. Paul and Elise will be there too, and Afton will be twelve. Her little sister, Rayna and their three or four siblings will drive her insane and she’ll come lean on me, confiding that they drive her nuts. Will we see each other any more after we all move out? For some very sad reason I doubt it strongly.
I keep thinking about what it was like when we all lived together, particularly before we all got jobs. the summer we moved here….we all spent so much time together and drove each other insane, but we got stronger too. I miss my family so much right now!! I don’t even know why. They drive me crazy and we fight every time I come home. But I do miss them. So much. I remember wanting to see Melina every single time that we went up to Tucson, and after we moved there, I liked to pretend that if I were to just drive to where she used to be, that she would be there. That if I were to just stop by her old apartment and ring the doorbell that she would answer it and things would be just like they should be. I still miss her so much sometimes. It’s been so long but I can still remember exactly what she sounded like, what she felt like when you hugged her, exactly what she smelled like even…I guess I’m still not over her. I just want to be able to talk to her sometimes. i need her so much right now.
I started my new job today! I LOVE IT! All I do is spend time answering phones and calling people. it's called WesternWats and it's amazing. I'm so excited about this job.
And now I'm realllly tired and going to bed. goodnight!

can't believe it's so late.

2008-10-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

it's already october!
I started my new job. its amazing!!!!!!!!
my phone got run over by a car.
sad day.
five days to cali!!!!!!!!

AND, as usual, Mayra is the fool

2008-10-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

AS USUAL…
I should have guessed this was going to happen.
But usually it’s someone’s fault. This time, neither of us is at fault. Levi likes me, I like him. He just doesn’t wanna get into a relationship because he is afraid we’d do more…I hate that. I know how to control myself. DANG it!! WHY do I have to keep being stupid and getting attached?! He’s beautiful and so wonderful. I love how he pops my thumbs. And how he takes my face in his hands and just looks into my eyes. He doesn’t even have to kiss me, just looking at me like that fills me up and I love it. I love how he tells me things…he tells me so much and I feel so special to be a part of his life.
But I knew this would happen eventually.
Boys like Levi are like fire. You’re so wildly attracted to them, and it instantly catches your eye. You want more than anything to touch it, feel it with your hands, caress and stroke such a beautiful thing. But it’s so exotic and foreign that you’re frightened. Meanwhile, the fire warms and flirts, beauty personified. And as soon as you reach out, allow yourself to feel, to be felt, you get burned. And sometimes you’re so wrapped up in its splendor that you don’t even notice how severe you are being wounded until it’s too late and you’re maimed for the rest of your life.
Why couldn’t we just try at least? I can control myself and I know when to say no. I care very deeply for him, but no boy, no matter how attractive or wonderful, will keep me from my promises or my dreams. He wants to go on a mission. And I respect that completely, and no matter what, I refuse, absolutely refuse to get in the way of that. I TOLD him that.
My roommate made an excellent point. She told me that maybe it’s because of how much he respects me. The other girls that he did things with, his other girlfriends, were special to him, but he respects me so much that he doesn’t want to hurt me like he did them. That makes sense. She’s really smart. I just wish I had the same insight as the people that are trying to comfort me. That I could take my own advice…I give out expert advice. Words that soothe and satisfy. Advice that allows people to feel better about randy actions and less hard on themselves for their perceived faults and failings. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot allow myself the same relief, cannot allow myself to apply the salve to my own wounds. I guess that’s me being selfish and stupid. I’m so good at giving people happiness in relationships. I can tell who fits perfectly with who, while inside I struggle with my own stupid insecurities. Maybe that is why none of my relationships work…they can sense that insecurity and eventually it ruins things. Who knows?
I need to get a cat. They won’t hurt me like this.

AHAHAHAH

2008-09-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

wellllllll, so the whole not dating for a while? yeahhhh didn't work
I can't help it if I'm popular!!! hahahaha
Levi. Ah sweet Levi.
Affectionate, caring, rough and tough cowboy type.
Sweet tingles down my spine
and a tickle of butterflies.
I should DEFINITELY not be falling this hard or fast.
but it feels GOOD to feel good.
and it feels REALLY good to be wanted.
=]

TRIP!!!

2008-09-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Two weeks from yesterday!!
AH I'm excited!!
LIFE is amazing,
Sometimes it's just hard to remember.
Joe and I had a good, long discussion and fixed our fights.
We're friends again.
it will take a while but maybe things will be better than before.
Ethan really likes me, but I'm so confused and worried about that.
I don't thing I wanna date for a while.

The Lord Sure loves me!!

2008-09-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the OVERWHELMING urge to get a blessing. I had wanted one for a few weeks, but it was sorta back-of-my mind type thing and I wasn't too worried about it. But last night at about six i decided i absolutely needed one. So I asked a friend of mine, but got distracted and so he went to bed. My friend Matt said he could talk to his RM roommate. This was about midnight. So he calls Simon who immediately comes out...in a necktie and white shirt. He told me that he had had a feeling to stay up because he'd be giving a blessing so he got dressed. I had been silently praying that I would get one and that I would get the guidance and instruction that I needed. We went to his friend's house and her friend Tom just happened to be there, so he helped with the blessing. In the blessing, He said a few phrases that were in my patriarchal blessing! it also talked about how much the Lord loves me, and how proud my parents and the Lord are of me. It promised me that I would have the peace I desired, and that the Lord was pleased that I had such a strong desire to get a blessing. He advised me to pray out loud day and night and that I needed to talk openly to God about everything I do and my whole days. I wept most of the time. The Lord answered my prayers so much. I'm so grateful for the gospel and for the love that Christ and my Father in Heaven have for me. they sure love me!!

Older poems

2008-09-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Just found these and figured I'd throw these in here for your enjoyment.

Him
Let me be
What I used to be
Your heart
Your smile
Your sunshine and your starry night
Let me be your lover
Your best girl and your sweetheart
The one you run to
When things go wrong
And the girl you think about
Before you go to sleep at night
I miss you so much sometimes
Like right now.

The Boy
Soft Summer hugs
And Warm Winter Blankets
Our silly escapades
And Circle K runs
Laughing over stupid fights
And crying during The Princess Bride
Secret kisses while my parents
Looked away or down.
Riding in your PimpMobile
And listening to that same song
Twelve times.
Getting lost downtown
Cuz you refused to ask the bums for directions.
Sneaking out every night
To sit around at the Midnight Diner
Talking to the waitress
Who invited us to her wedding.
When you moved away
And left me…
Life was a blur
Of work, classes that now seemed unimportant,
And an emotional torrent that enveloped every aspect of my life
Phone calls
Every spare minute possible
That didn’t last.
Summer began and I came to be with you.
And we know that it’s only a matter of time.
But I miss the naïveté
And the childish games
When you were
My lover, my high school sweetheart
And my best friend.

THE QUEEN
Creeping through the long whisper-grass
Hunger will take me unless I conquer it first.
There! Just a few more leaps away
The She-meal bends her long throat
To sip from the deep waters.
I slink silently closer and closer.
Her jaw tenses and her ears flick back
Catching sounds.
Head raised, she gazes across the hunting grounds
I cease my breath.
Her blank stare misses me
And she returns to filling her belly
Secure in the lie that she is safe
While my hushed paws come closer.
Light filters through the monkey-trees
Casting shadows perfect for me to hide
Screaming birds call their warnings
In an unfamiliar language to the foolish She-meal.
My muscles ripple as I noiselessly
Poise for attack.

I'm sure there is other stuff. For now, this is it though.

Well...

2008-09-22T10:22:00.001-07:00

Hmm. Trying hard to stay Drama free. Drug free is easy, Drama free...not so much.
Maybe someday I'll get this whole social thing down.
But, then again, maybe not.
For some reason, I feel like I'm regressing here.
I read what I've written, and it feels like I'm shrinking and all I do is whine.
Maybe someday I'll be a mature adult.
It's freaking cold in here.
Gosh wow. I need to get a life.

LOVE?!

2008-09-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so lost right now. I really don't know what my purpose is, or what I'm doing. I'm not depressed per se, but I'm sad. Joe and I ruined things with each other, we both made mistakes and I messed up pretty badly this time. It would be so simple to blame him...to point my finger and pretend that I'm an innocent victim. The sad part is that I realize now that there is very rarely (if ever) a truly innocent victim. Putting yourself into a sketchy position nullifies a portion of your innocence in a situation. Saying or doing even the most simple and seemingly uneventful thing can be the wedge driven between you and another person.
What does love really mean? Is it sex? Is it something that nobody truly comprehends, like eternity or the sun? I’m so lost. I’ve been talking to so many people and everyone talks about it in a different way. Some people say it just happens. Others say they’ve gotta work at it. Other skeptics, like me, disbelieve, claiming it’s merely lust with a little bit of pretty frills.
How can I ever truly know what love is? I’ve tried. I wanted so badly to know what love was and where and how I could find it. I’ve thought three times now that I knew what it was. That I had love; was loved. Was it real? They seemed to think so, and for a few brief, perfect moments, I wanted to believe it so badly that I deceived myself into thinking that it was the genuine article.
Is it possible that I can truly be loved? That I can have what Paul and Elise have, what my parents and the prophets have?
I realized today thanks to a very smart man, that love has its own agenda, and that it takes an unselfish woman to love a man. I used to say things like, “wow! I wish I could have a husband like THAT.” Or, “I wish I could find someone as amazing as him.” Today, when he told me of his life, his hardships and how he’d tested his now-wife’s devotion before their engagement, I realized that I am a very selfish person. Rather than saying that I wished that I had a man like him, I said that I wished I could be that patient and loving with people. Maybe someday I will have a man, but I’ve realized now is not the time. I’m still a very self-centered person, and love is such a selfless thing. Maybe I don’t really doubt the reality and existence of love as much as I claim to. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll never find it. That I’ll never get to have a husband that truly and deeply loves me; that I’ll never wake up with his hand on my swollen, pregnant belly and just lay there, content in the knowledge that he and I are happy. I just want to be happy in a relationship. I’m perfectly content to be single, but if this is my lot in life, I’d like to know. I want to just know that someday I will be someone’s “median naranja.” *Sigh.* Maybe someday things will make sense.
Or maybe I should just buy a cat.

WOW.

2008-09-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things are freaking weird.
Sometimes things are awful.
Sometimes things are amazing.
Like tonight.
I freaking love college. It's strange how random things are.
Things are crazy.

Ah

2008-09-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

I had about three paragraphs yesterday but got distracted and exited it!!! :(
I'm so glad the Lord knows me.
I've been praying that Joe would know that I want to just be friends. And yesterday Joe called and said he felt like we ought to just be friends. I was ELATED!
He was so worried I'd be hurt.
NOT AT ALL.
I know that it's an answer to my prayers.

I missed the last few days...

2008-09-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Two weeks....That's not so bad...
He and I are just friends. And I think that I prefer it that way.
He said the sweetest thing last night.
He sent me a text....SEptember fourth, 2:07 Am.
I asked him what that meant.
And he said it was the exact time of our first kiss.
All I could say was...AWWWWW!
The other day he read something in the New Era or something else church-related.
It said that if a couple can abscond entirely from any physical involvement for two full weeks, then their relationship is good and healthy.
That means no kissing, long hugs, holding hands, nothing.
I want him to serve an honorable, worthy mission.
And two weeks is NOTHING when I think about how proud I am of him.

And now for something completely different...

The International Language Program called the other day. they still want me to move to Russia. If I go, I'll be leaving in January and I'll be there until June. I'm still not sure if I'll gom but if I do, it will be the very best thing ever!! I'm really excited but it all just depends on what my father says. I respect that man so much. I want so much for him to be proud of me.

I'll be going home on Friday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make my decision by then.
Ah I gotta get a job.

Reasons....

2008-09-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

1. Reasons Why He and I are Incompatible:

He's wishy-washy. I like to know where I stand, then stand firm
He can't vocalize things. Elocution has always been my strong point.
He tries to analyze and "help" me. I HATE that.
He almost acts ashamed....He won't talk to HER about us. She doesn't know we're dating because he's trying very hard to keep it incognito.
I'm not ready to date a preemie. He's gotta go on a mission and getting involved would cause drama.

2. Reasons Why I Like Him:

He's so smart. I love intelligence.
He's so sweet. Some of the things he says blow me away.
We are both attracted to one another.
He makes me laugh. REALLY laugh. I haven't laughed like that in ages.
He is SO handsome. I LOVE his dimples
His eyes make me melt. When he stares at me, I can feel my temperature rising.
He's strong in the gospel and uses his Priesthood. I love that most about him.
He's so creative and funny.
He genuinely cares about me.

3. Reasons Why I Wish I Could Make this Work:

I love to be around him
I love spending time with him
He makes me so happy
He tries so hard to make me see myself as he sees me.
He sees me in a completely different light than I see myself.
He wants me to be happy
He is a good, worthy member
He's got such a strong personality
We are such a great pair.
He's HOT!

4. Things I'm Confused About:

Why this is so complicated.
Why I'm so worried about this.
Why I care so much about something so stupid
How childish this entire thing is.
Why he can't just man up and tell Adrianna. Ultimately, that's the underlying crap.
Where my life is going.
What's going on with Chris Rollins

5. Things that Frustrate Me:

Uncertainty and Insecurity
The fact that this is so complicated
That he can't just man up and talk to her
That he treats me like we're dating, then tells me that it isn't serious
That I realized that I've got no idea where my life is headed or what I want any more
The fact that I'm starting to wonder if I really did just come here to get married.
The fact that I wonder what would happen if I were to get married right now.
The fact that I'm actually wondering about stupid things like that.
The fact that all of this is probably preventable

Am I bringing this upon myself? Ugh. Probably.

Hmmmmmm......I have a vague feeling of malaise

2008-09-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

Well, THAT was interesting.
HE and I aren't dating now.
He says I love you, kisses me, holds my hand.
Cuddles with me and whispers in my ear about how he cares about me.
And then he tells me he doesn't want to get serious.
I recognize that he wants to serve a mission.
I'm so proud of him and I want him to go.
I would NEVER stand in the way of that.
But telling me he loves me and then saying that we aren't serious?
What does that mean? Why would he say that?
Oh...and the big clincher....I love this...
He tells me that I have psychological issues and need to see a shrink to fix my problems.
And that he wants to help me.
Um, Excuse me?
I may have a few minute problems.
Hell, I may have some really big ones.
But that is none of his effing business and just because he's taken a few classes and thinks he sees things that need fixing does not entitle him to try to "fix" me.
I'm not even his girlfriend from what he says. Why would I want some wishy-washy jerk who changes his mind from day to day about how he feels about me trying to "solve" my "Psycologiocal" issues?!?!?!
I do care very deeply for Him.
He's an amazing guy. I love to spend time with him and he always makes me laugh.
But I'm so tired of getting screwed over.
I want a NORMAL relationship...
Boy meets Girl.
Boy and Girl like one another.
Boy asks Girl out, Girl excitedly accepts.
Boy and Girl date.
No Drama.
No Strife.
Why do I get the feeling that College may just be an extension of high school?

I missed yesterday.

2008-09-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

I wish i could write exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, but circumstances prevent me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old. And I hate it. All wrapped up and addicted to drama. It nauseates me.
He's amazing. I care about him so much. It's exciting and new and it makes me so happy.
But she stands in the way. Between the two of us, there is no drama. no problems. We are a perfectly content couple. Enter the sweet, dear liitle stalker girl. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it. Her false stories and annoying one-ups drive me insane! My sweet boy is worried that we'll cause more drama so I patiently sit by myself on the couch alone while she sits a little too close, oblivious to the fact that He and I are dating. I am trying so hard not to be jealous or overbearing. it's working beautifully. I don't want to cause any more drama. SHE is great at inventing her own drama and involving everyone else as well.
IT'S COLLEGE!
HOLY FREAKING CRAP IT'S COLLEGE. DRAMA WAS A HIGH SCHOOL THING. NO....DRAMA WAS A FREAKING MIDDLE SCHOOL THING!!!!!!
It's getting so annoying to hide the fact that we're together. All our friends know. I think she is the ONLY person that doesn't know that He and I are together. We've decided to wait a week or so longer and then we'll be able to be a little less incognito. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but I guess it sort of is.

On a brighter note, I'm doing very well in my classes. My english class is spectacular and i love to write and she's emphasizing the importance of creative writing.
All of my other classes are breezy and I'm having such a good time here now that i've absconded from all the drama of everyone else (except HER), my life is beginning to be the amazing dream I've always imagined it to be.
I'm going home next weekend and I'm going to spend the majority of it with my family. I really sorta miss them.

Titles.....are insufficient

2008-09-04T03:13:00.000-07:00

My goodness.
I like him.
I like him.
I like him.
Mom's right.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
No boyfriend, no problems.
It shouldn't be this hard to decide.
So many complications.
So much to stand in the way.
so much crap and drama.
I'm trying to AVOID this sheeeeeep.
and it's not working

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

my hair looks amazing. I dyed a streak of it red. and I LOVE IT!
I don't know what to do about the drama.
keepin things under wraps only lasts so long.
grrrrrr.

College.......

2008-09-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

URGH.
I really don't have time for all this drama.
College is supposed to be about being mature.
We aren't in pre-school. And high school is totally over.
SO GET OVER YOURSELVES, TRY TO STOP BEING IMMATURE, AND GROW THE DUTCH UP!!!!!!!!!
that's all for today.
=]

Biology 101

2008-09-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is about my birth mother. I still have no reason why in particular that I’d like to meet her. Usually my assumptions of who people are or what they look like are very inaccurate.
When I imagine what it will be like, I see it going something like this…We agree to meet in a coffee shop near where I grew up and where my friends and I often spent our afternoons following classes. Her back is turned. I’m running late and see her before she sees me. I stare at the back of her head, admiring the brown-black hair that is slightly streaked with white. I’ve got the same hair and don’t need to see it in the sun to know that it has red highlights. She pauses, sensing someone looking at her and turns to me. She is medium in build, five eleven woman with my nose. Her lovely almond shaped eyes widen behind designer glasses and when she smiles I can see that we have the same thin lips. Her cheekbones are different and when I look closely I realize that my hairline is not hers either. I recognize with a jolt that those must come from my biological father. She draws me into her arms and tears begin to fall. We are totally oblivious to anyone else in the room. She pulls back and sizes me up. We sit and begin to converse. We talk about everything, she takes out pictures, I produce the carefully constructed scrapbook I have created for our meeting. She tells me things and I ask question after question. Her voice is soft and lilting and I just know that she is a singer too. Our meeting lasts much longer than I intended and before we know it, the shop is closing and it’s time to go. I request to see her again and she complies, hugging me again for a long time. I am surprised but pleased when I feel warm tears wet my hair.
Okay so that’s not what will probably happen. But I’d really like to meet her. Even just a few times. Get to know her, talk to her, thank her. My parents tell me that they’re okay with it and that they’d support me, but I’m not too sure how much I believe that. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my someday adopted children wanted to meet their biological parents. Would I support them outwardly and cry alone in my room after they have left? Or will I be as eager to meet her as they are, excited to thank her and embrace her, two mothers, one child?
I want a nap now. Thinking about this always gives me a headache.

First and foremost....

2008-09-01T15:33:00.001-07:00

Well This is my first attempt at running a blog. A good friend suggested that I get a journal but I've tried many times and can't seem to get into writing in one continually. I write constantly on the internet, so I guess that a blog will probably suit me better.
I got home today from being in Tucson. It's strange to call Thatcher home but I do now. There are so many people here that were shadows of my old life. SHE is here. Still as perky and fake as always. So much like her dear sweet mother that it sickens me. I tried being polite when she came up to talk, but her sickly false joy at seeing me and her pointed remarks sharpened my tongue into the weapon my parents have warned me to control for years. She greeted me, stating her surprise at seeing that i wasn't dead. Or pregnant *looking pointedly at my stomach (so I've put on a few pounds. sue me.)* So I smiled with the same false enthusiasm and replied that her mother's plastic surgeon did an excellent job on her nose...it wasn't nearly as bulbous and that you could barely see the scars. My friends hid snickers behind pretend coughs as her eyes narrowed in that satanic way. I cocked my eyebrow and smiled, proud of the fact that I have learned to stand up to people.
I want to get a skateboard. it looks so fun and even though I have a very minimal sense of balance, I may be able to teach myself eventually. I'm just concerned that I will fall and break something before I get the gist of it.
This weekend felt sort of wasted. my father is pretty upset with me and I feel like I have failed him. Two weeks from now we'll have a good conversation. I miss that.
I guess that's it for now. maybe later i'll think of more things to say.